


something whole and safe.

by Scientia_Fantasia



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Autistic Character, Blind Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison, Family Fluff, Gabe is a good dad, Gen, Jesse Is A Good Son, Kid Fic, M/M, Trans Character, autistic characterS even, trans characterS even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-02-17 21:42:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13085940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scientia_Fantasia/pseuds/Scientia_Fantasia
Summary: Gabriel makes the final decision to adopt and ends up the caretaker of a child who asks to be called "Jess." He tries his best to be the father he never had.(A story about hurt people getting better and lonely people getting happier. It's cute, I promise. But you'll probably cry.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> https://softly-and-quietly-musing.tumblr.com/post/167866759783/
> 
> our home will be gentle, it will be warm / no fear, no hurt, no worry. we come from broken and twisted places but together we will build something whole and safe.
> 
> (This story is in the process of being edited and reposted from my Tumblr.)
> 
> Chapter 1 warnings: unintentional misgendering

_Why do you want to adopt?_

The question on his unfinished paperwork stared back at Gabriel for days.

Why  _did_  he want to adopt a kid?

He wasn't worried about his answer being imperfect. That he wouldn’t pass the “adoption test.” The questions were meant to show who the parent was as a person, flaws and all.

It was more that the decision came so naturally to him that he hadn’t thought to put it into words yet.

He had an okay house to himself. He didn’t  _really_  need to use that extra room as an office. He had an okay income. Enough to save and splurge every once in a while, and the military had taken care of his student debt. He was in his 30′s and if marriage and a baby were anywhere on the horizon, he’d be the most surprised of anyone.

In the end, it was probably his being in social work that made up his mind.

His final, carefully deliberated answer read like this:

_I often work with broken families and people that grew up without the support they needed as a kid. I know a lot of these children get put in group homes and never get adopted because they’re seen as a problem. If I had my way, no one would ever get stuck in the system again. But realistically, I think I can keep one or two kids out of it. And I’ll try my hardest to give them the life they deserve._

And that’s where Jesse came in.

* * *

Well, he didn’t go by Jesse at the time.

He didn’t go by “he” at the time.

After paperwork and waiting and more paperwork and more waiting and talking to caseworkers and packing up his office (he'd been needing to clean up in there anyways, most of the clutter went straight into the garbage) and even more waiting and furnishing this new bedroom with the bare minimum (he didn’t know what the kid would be into, they could do whatever they wanted with it when they got there), he finally got a call saying that he’d been okay-ed for a preliminary meetup with the child he’d been asking about.

Well. Adolescent.

Jesse’s file had been miles long. Gabriel hadn’t  _purposely_  sought out the most difficult child and asked about them, because that felt too much like taking on a project rather than taking care of a kid, but it did factor in to his search. In the end, Jesse had just seemed right, somehow. And no doubt the caseworker was eager to find a bilingual household to put him in.

Gabriel had every reason to think this child was a girl.

The caseworker set up a meeting at a local McDonald’s with a few simple rules;  _Show up at this time. Be done by this time. Let us know if you have any pressing issues. And remember, you’re under no obligation to go forward in the adoption process at this point. If you change your mind or need more time to consider, those are both options open to you. We want her to have the best home she can get, and if you don’t think you’re it, please tell us._

He showed up early, and felt considerably out of place, being a full-grown man dressed in all black sitting alone at a two-person table. Thankfully, the caseworker was there precisely on time, a familiar child trailing along behind her and looking less than pleased.

“Gabriel!” the caseworker greeted warmly. He stood to greet her and shake her hand. She introduced Jesse to him, who did not greet him warmly, instead opting for a steady glower. “Well,” went the caseworker, cheer dampened. “I’ll leave you to it. Let me know if you need anything.”

Jesse sat down unceremoniously the moment she left. Gabe sat across from him.

He was twelve. His shirt was baggy and his ankles were sticking out of his pants. His hair was long–-about waist length, probably--but pulled into two frizzy braids over his shoulders. It looked like he’d done them himself.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Gabriel said, resting his elbows on the table. “What do you want me to call you?”

The kid's suspicious expression shifted towards confused.

“…Jess,” he answered, after a moment.

‘Jess’ wasn’t anything like the name he had on file.

“Okay, Jess,” Gabriel said. “You look like something’s on your mind.”

He sat back, arms crossed and eyes narrowing. It was, no doubt, meant to be intimidating, but it wasn't hard to see the anxiety behind the look.

“Why d’ya pick me,” he prodded, getting right to the center of it. Gabriel could hardly blame him. No doubt he’d been through this process more than enough.

“Well,” he started. What was the best way to phrase this. “You’ve read your file, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So you know I didn’t get the sugarcoated version.”

Jesse’s frown deepened.

“I know you’ve been through things no one should have to go through at your age,” Gabe continued, carefully avoiding the word ‘child.’ “I know this isn’t going to be a walk in the park.” Jesse looked away, unimpressed by the cliche. “But you deserve someone who can be level-headed with you. I’m not perfect, but I’d like to try if you’ll give me the chance.”

Jesse sat there, staring at the wall as if he wasn't a part of this conversation. Gabriel let him. But, once it became obvious he wasn’t getting a response, he asked a question of his own.

“So. Why’d you pick  _me_?”

Jesse was old enough that this wasn't a one-sided process. They wouldn’t have had him meet up with someone who he hadn’t at least given a partial “OK” to.

He seemed surprised at the question. He fidgeted with the end of one of his braids and turned to look, if not at Gabriel,  _towards_ him.

“…guess you looked like someone who didn’t have so many stupid rules,” he said. “I been to rich families and they care so much about what I do and how I look. You don’t seem like you care so much about that kinda thing.”

Gabe might have been offended if he hadn’t been wearing the same grody hoodie for the last three days. He just shrugged a shoulder, conceding the point.

Then Jesse explained his conclusion with: “How’d you get those scars, anyways?”

Oh. That’s what he’d been referring to.

“I don’t think I want to talk to you about that just yet,” Gabriel replied, trying to keep his tone light. He didn’t mind his boundaries being tested, as long as people didn’t keep prying after he’d said no. “You want anything to eat?” he offered, taking on the burden of changing the subject.

Jesse grimaced, sensitive to even the slight reproach. But thankfully, he went along with it. Though his answer was; “I fucking hate McDonald’s.”

“Hm,” went Gabe. “Well, we could go somewhere else.”

The kid’s face went blank. “What?” he said. “No we can’t.”

“We’re not supposed to,” Gabriel agreed. “But as long as I have you back here in time, I don’t think they’ll notice.”

Jesse stared at him, eyes widening. He glanced out the window, briefly. “I…think I’ll just have a burger,” he mumbled, hurriedly, and stood up to go to the counter.

Gabriel watched him; the way he'd turned pink at some imaginary reprimand, the way he kept to his own space as if trying his hardest to ignore the fact that other people existed. There was so much fear bundled up in such a young child, and his heart ached at the thought of it.

He had to do something about this. He had to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch 2 warnings: still unintentional misgendering

When Gabriel went to pick up Jesse, the kid was carrying everything he owned in a ragged backpack and a cardboard box. Gabriel held the door for him-–Jesse did everything else like it was his normal routine. He put the box in the back of the car, dropped his backpack in the floor of the passenger seat, sat down, pulled his knees to his chest, and resolutely stared out the window.

Gabe didn’t know how to take this. The hopeful part of him wanted to think that Jesse was excited and just trying to hide it. But he was more likely anxious and uncomfortable about this whole thing.

Well. There wasn’t anything he could really do about it at that point in time.

“Seat belt,” he reminded, starting the car.

The warning for the passenger seat dinged. Jesse leaned against the window.

“…Please?” Gabe tried. “I really don’t want to crash and kill you on your first day here.”

Jesse shifted slightly to consider him out of the corner of his eye. He glanced at the dashboard. Then, finally,  _thankfully_ , he pulled the seat belt down and buckled it, returning to his position staring out the window.

“I’m planning on stopping by the grocery store,” Gabriel said as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Anywhere else you want to go before seeing the house?”

Again, he got no answer. Alright–-the kid was probably stressed out. He’d let it go.

He more or less tricked Jesse into coming into the store with him by pretending like it was a given, grabbing a basket as Jesse shuffled along after him, hands in his pockets, doing his best to look disinterested.

“Anything in particular you want?” Gabe asked.

Jesse shrugged.

“…anything in particular you  _don’t_  want?”

This, at least, got him a look that he’d translate as “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Gabe shrugged back. “Just thought I’d ask.”

* * *

Gabe’s house wasn’t exactly new. It wasn’t  _old_ , nothing in that city was, but the wooden floorboards creaked and the walls had cracks running along them that had been patched up and painted over. There was a living room, two bedrooms, a cramped bathroom and a kitchen in the middle without any windows, open to the living room except for a counter. A humming light hung under the cabinet to keep it from being too dark to see. Overall, it was a roof over his head, and he was grateful for that.

Jesse didn’t have much of a reaction to it. He glanced around, looked where Gabriel was pointing as he explained where all the rooms were, and placed his stuff on top of the squat dresser Gabriel had rescued from a thrift shop.

He sat on the bed and curled up again, arms hugging his knees. Gabe leaned on the doorway, refraining from entering the room. He'd let Jesse have his space for the time being.

“I know it’s dreary in here,” he said, acknowledging the white walls and gray bedsheets. “I don’t intend to keep it that way, I just didn’t know what you’d want.”

Jesse actually looked around, eyes stilling over the big blank swaths of wall. So he wasn’t _entirely_ disinterested in the idea, thankfully.

“We can go looking for stuff in a couple weeks,” Gabe said. “You know…paint, sheets, decorations. So…think about what you’d want in the meantime.”

“…'kay,” said Jesse.

_She speaks!_

Gabriel held back a grin, determined not to make a point of the small victory. “I’m gonna put dinner on,” he said, and turned away from the door–only to immediately return as a thought occurred to him. “Okay, one more thing. What do you do for fun?”

Jesse stared at him.

“…do you like to read?”

He wrinkled his nose, frowning. Gabe tried not to laugh at this reaction.

“Play sports?” Less of a no, more of a noncommittal shrug. “Dance?” Another disgusted look. “…watch TV?”

He didn’t answer, for a second. Then gave a slightly more committal shrug. “Yeah, I guess,” he said.

As far as Gabriel was concerned, that was roaring approval.

“Alright, TV’s all yours,” he said, gesturing towards the living room and finally walking away.

* * *

He kept curious watch out of the corner of his eye, and Jesse did, eventually, come out to watch television, about fifteen minutes into Gabe starting dinner. He perched on the edge of the couch as if he was expecting to have to leave any moment, flipping through channels distractedly. Eventually, he did settle on something, though from the kitchen, Gabriel couldn’t tell what. He’d turned down the volume to a low mumble.

Turns out, it was the spaghetti western Gabe had ended up with during his office’s white elephant last winter. It had been sitting on his sparse movie shelf gathering dust, but he walked in with two plates of food to find Jesse absolutely transfixed by it.

“Oh, you figured out how to work the DVD player?” he said, setting the plates on the coffee table before taking his spot next to Jesse on the couch. “You’ll have to teach me how sometime, the thing gives me fits.”

“Yeah…” Jesse went, attention turning pointedly to the food as his face grew red.

Gabriel focused on the movie. Had he misstepped somehow, or was Jesse embarrassed for some reason outside of his control?

Oh, well. He’d just pretend like he hadn’t noticed.

Spaghetti westerns.

Interesting.


	3. Chapter 3

Gabe was prepared for a lot of things to be difficult. He knew Jesse wasn’t going to open up to him immediately. He knew Jesse didn’t like to talk to people he wasn’t comfortable around–though the more time he spent with the kid, the more he picked up on his non-verbal communication. Gabriel knew he was going to have to deal with a lot of things, and he took on this responsibility happily.

But the one thing he was not prepared for was how difficult clothes shopping was going to be.

He didn’t want to force anything on Jesse that wasn’t  _absolutely_  necessary from a biological standpoint, no matter what societal pressures might be. The only things required in his house were eating a reasonable amount of food, drinking water in some form, and showering at least  _occasionally_ , please. Anything else they could talk about.

But. That said.

None of Jesse’s clothes fit. For a while Gabe couldn’t help but wonder who it was that kept him in this state–surely there were people who worked with him that would be willing to grab a few things from a thrift store.

And then, one day, he asked Jesse if he wanted to go clothes shopping, and got an immediate and emphatic “ _No_ ,” which was rare enough that Gabriel took it to heart and left him alone.

The next time they were driving near a reasonably priced store, he asked again, and Jesse’s answer was even more pronounced than last time,  with a glare for good measure.

But he could only take seeing this kid’s ankles for so long. He couldn’t  _possibly_  be comfortable. There had to be  _something_  Gabe could do to get him into better clothes.

So when Jesse came out of his room to rustle around the kitchen one bright summer day, Gabriel took the opportunity.

“Hey, Jess,” he greeted, setting his book down and leaning forward from his place on the couch. “Can I borrow you for a second?”

Jesse gave him a wary glance, but walked over anyways, picking at his fingernails. “What,” he prodded, choosing to remain standing.

“I know you don’t like shopping for clothes,” he started, already getting a frown from Jesse, halfway between a scowl and a pout. “But I don't think you're going to stop growing anytime soon. Wearing things that are too small can actually hurt you, and I don’t want that. So…I don’t know why you don’t like it, and you don’t have to tell me, but if there’s anything I can do to make it easier, I’ll try my best. You just have to nudge me in the right direction. Okay?”

Jesse didn’t look up, still fidgeting with his hands. But Gabe knew well enough that he was listening.

“…what do you want me to get,” he mumbled, after a moment.

“Um…” Gabe looked away, considering. “A week’s worth of clothes? Two pairs of pants and a few shirts is the least you can get away with, but we’d have to go back again before you start school. Or, well, whatever you want to substitute in for those. You’re the one wearing them, it’s not really my business what you pick.” He shrugged. “The only catch is I don’t have a ton of money to spend. But there’s a few places in the mall I could afford, if that sounds good to you.”

Another long moment of consideration, and then, “Fine.”

“Fine, the mall?”

“Fine the mall,” Jesse repeated blankly, frowning. And then, “Yeah. Fine, the mall.” He finally looked up at Gabe with a face that implied he might have added “ _you weirdo”_  after his agreement if he had felt comfortable doing so.

“Great!” Gabe went, genuinely thrilled at this conclusion. “Thanks for understanding.”

“Yeah,” went Jesse. “Whatever.”

* * *

Despite this precursory agreement, the actual process of shopping was still kind of like pulling teeth. He would have offered to release Jesse into a store and let him go off on his own, but he didn’t trust the world enough to feel safe doing that–and, admittedly, didn’t quite trust Jesse yet, either.

The compromise was to follow him around and do his absolute best to pretend like he wasn’t there. No assuming he knew Jesse’s style and making suggestions for him, no comments on what he was picking out. Just a hopefully unobtrusive and nonjudgmental watchful eye.

Still, it took a while for Jesse to start seriously considering things rather than passing them off after a quick glance, and even longer for him to actually pull something off the rack and hold it up to himself, questioning the size.

Thankfully, wandering past a wall of jeans proved to be a breakthrough, and Jesse soon disappeared into a changing room and looked not entirely discouraged when he came back out. It took another hour, Jesse steadily but surely slowing down as time passed, before he finally put the (haphazardly gathered) bundle of clothes and tags into Gabe’s hands, avoiding eye contact.

“Thanks,” Gabe said, not bothering to look over Jesse’s selection. It seemed like the right amount, and even if it wasn’t, he’d at least met him halfway. “Anything you actually want to look at while we’re here?”

Jesse glanced to the side immediately, an answer obviously already in mind. “Um,” he went. “Shoes?”

A surprising response, but he tried not to let it show. “Sure,” he said, gesturing forward. “Lead the way.”

Jesse scurried off with more enthusiasm than Gabe had seen out of him…maybe ever, and he followed after him with a smile. There wasn’t a huge selection of footwear in that particular store, but still, Jesse made a show of going down the aisles and giving things the barest glance before moving on. If Gabriel had to guess, he’d already seen something he was interested in and was feigning apathy. Was he worried Gabe would have a negative reaction to his enthusiasm? He couldn’t imagine what reason he would have to react badly to a choice of shoes, but he kept that possibility in mind. He would watch what he said.

The answer became clear when Jesse stopped in front of a pair of shoes that weren’t entirely dissimilar to cowboy boots. Not quite the real thing, but they were under $50, so he didn’t have any room to complain. Jesse pulled out a box and held a shoe up to his foot as if he wasn’t entirely sure what his size was. He tried again with a different pair, and sat down to put them on, wiggling his toes. They looked to Gabe to be a little too big, but he wasn’t entirely sure that was a bad thing. Jesse would grow, right?

He scratched at his beard, fidgeting in his sudden uncertainty.  _Right?_

Well, the worst that could happen is Jesse would need a new pair of shoes. That wouldn’t put him too far back.

A shoe box was soon presented to him, though this time Jesse met his eyes, frowning almost defiantly. Gabe took the box.

“They fit alright?”

Nod, nod.

“Anything else?”

He shook his head.

So they went to the checkout. And then back to the car. Jesse followed a pace behind all the while, staring at the ground.

He was characteristically silent for most of the way back, but at a particularly long stoplight, Gabe decided to take a chance at conversation.

“So,” he said, glancing over. The boots, the movies, the pigtail braids, all coalesced in his mind. “Cowboys?”

Jesse’s shoulders tensed, and his ears went pink. Probably his face, too, but as he was staring out the window, there wasn’t any way to tell.

Gabe sat back, looking away. Traffic, thank god, finally began to move. “That’s pretty cool,” he said, not entirely sure how to respond to Jesse’s discomfort. “I like sewing, myself.”

Jesse looked over at him. “Sewing?” he said, disbelieving. “Isn’t that a girl thing?”

He frowned. What topic should he broach first, here?

“I guess,” he decided to agree. “I grew up with my mom, so I learned a lot of skills like that. Cooking, cleaning…I’m glad she taught me all of them, but sewing is the only one I do for fun.”

“Hmph…” Jesse went, quietly, turning away once again. He didn’t say anything else for another few minutes, so Gabe tried something else.

“So,” he started, again. “Out of curiosity, was shopping as bad as you expected it to be?”

“Fuck off,” responded Jesse.

Gabe, after a brief moment of consideration, laughed. “Alright,” he said, “I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’ “

Jesse didn’t correct him. Except that, after about a minute, he did.

“…it was okay,” he mumbled.

Gabe nodded. “I take it you’d rather not go back.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright,” said Gabe. “Hopefully you won’t have to for a while.”


	4. Chapter 4

When he thought about it, it was partially his own fault. He should have noticed sooner.

There was some kind of construction going on at the house next to them, and their racket started promptly at 8:00am–-Gabe wanted to complain, but in all honestly, his sleeping schedule had slipped during the time he’d taken off to be with Jesse. He needed to start fixing it anyways.

Jesse, however, wasn’t so nonchalant about it. He was scowling deeply when he came out to get something for breakfast, and spent the majority of the day bundled up in his comforter, not responding when Gabe came to check on him.

Though when he stopped by and left a pair of headphones on Jesse’s doorknob, they disappeared an hour later.

The workers had gone home by the time dinner came around, but Jesse’s mood hadn’t seen much improvement. They sat at the counter together in silence and ate, Gabe obligingly giving Jesse his space.

Maybe a little too much space. He wasn’t paying enough attention to notice Jesse’s mood worsen as he picked at his food–to him, first there was silence, and then there was a crash and a broken plate on the floor, the remnants of the meal trailing off the counter and onto the tile.

Gabe startled enough to drop his fork, and when he looked over Jesse was already halfway to his bedroom, hands clamped over his ears and shoulders hunched.

“Jess,” he said, brain still catching up with what had just happened. He got up and followed him, trotting over to intercept him before he reached his room. “Jess,” he said again, tone wholly concerned, “what’s wrong?”

Jesse shook his head, looking away. Gabe frowned, fighting the urge to lean into his field of vision again.

“Okay,” he said. “Take some time to calm down. But I’ll need help cleaning this up.”

Jesse disappeared into his room, and Gabriel let him.

He was there for five minutes. Then ten, then twenty, and at half an hour Gabe finally came back to talk to him, after sweeping up any ceramic shards into a less dangerous place.

“Jess,” he said, knocking on his bedroom door. “It’s time to clean.”

There was a stretch of silence, and then a barely audible, muffled, “ _I’m sorry_.” He sounded…scared. Scared was the right word for it.

“I forgive you,” Gabe said. “I’m not mad, I promise.”

“Yeah you are.”

He frowned. Arguing this point seemed counterproductive.

“I promised, didn’t I?” He rubbed the back of his neck, eyes wandering. “I’m not trying to punish you, it’s just fair that you’d help clean up a mess you made. We can…” he searched his mind for something Jesse might enjoy. “Rent a movie afterwards, if you want. Your pick.”

Silence. And then, fabric shifting, and the door opened just a few inches. Jesse peered out. Gabe smiled at him.

“…really?”

“Really.”

So Jesse shuffled out, and Gabe gathered up the cleaning supplies. Jesse didn’t look like he was having  _fun_ , exactly (cleaning mushy substances off the floor was never a pleasant task), but he helped, and stayed to dry the dishes, and afterwards they stuck a bag of popcorn in the microwave and ate it over another cowboy movie. Jesse even smiled.

It was…nice. It was actually really nice. And Gabriel couldn’t have asked for better company.

* * *

There was, however, the inevitable downside to his chosen parenting technique. Compared to most of the people Jesse had probably dealt with in the past, Gabe seemed like a massive pushover.

This became clear when he came home from work to find a dent in one of the walls. Drywall, of course, and near the floor. Jesse had probably kicked it in.

He sighed, deeply, and went to Jesse’s room. Finding the door ajar, he nudged it open a few inches more and addressed the lump of blankets on the bed. “Alright,” he said. “Time to get up, we’re going to the store.”

“Mph,” went Jesse.

“Jess.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Yeah, well, neither do I, but the hole in our living room isn’t gonna fix itself.”

“It’s your dumb house.”

“You live here,” Gabe said, still mostly calm, but a twinge of impatience sneaking into his voice. “It’s  _our_  house, and in this house we fix the shit we break. Fifteen minutes, Jess. I’ll see you in the living room.”

“Whatever.”

Gabe walked away. Fifteen minutes later, he walked back. Jesse was exactly where he'd left him.

“Time’s up.”

No answer. Alright, fine.

He walked into Jesse’s room and sat on the floor next to his bed, leaning an elbow on it.

“Hey,” he said, flatly. “What’s the matter.”

“Don’t wanna talk to you,” grumbled the blankets.

“I could call someone else for you to talk to.” He’d rather not bother them for something that wasn’t an emergency, but Jesse’s caseworker and therapist were usually available by phone.

“Don’t wanna talk to  _any_ one.”

“You won’t have to if you come to the store with me.”

Jesse shifted, pulling his cocoon tighter around himself. “Fuck off.”

Gabe sighed melodramatically. “You know, some day my friend’s going to hear you say that and she’s going to kick my ass for letting you talk that way.”

The kid huffed in a suppressed-laughter kind of way, and Gabe smiled, relieved. “So,” he said. “You wanna meet me halfway? Would you come to the store if you got to stay in the car? I’ll even carry you there in your blanket cocoon.”

“Shut up,” he said, amused, finally peeking out of the blanket. “What’s even the point of me going, then?”

“Well, my personal philosophy is that you can make any mess you want, but the price is cleaning it up. If you don’t, someone else has to pay it. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I assume you don’t know how to patch up drywall. So I have to do it for you. And how you’re going to pay me back is keeping me company while I do. Does that seem fair?”

He glanced away, tugging at his hair. “…Yeah,” he decided. “I guess.”

“Good.” Gabe stood up, groaning as his joints complained. “Ugh, why did I think I could do that…”

Jesse giggled, and Gabe shook his head. “You’re so mean to me,” he said, with the tinge of a fake whine. “Alright. Ten minutes?”

“Ten minutes,” repeated Jesse. “Okay.”


	5. Chapter 5

The house was actually kind of starting to feel like a home.

Well. As much of a home as Jesse'd ever had. He wasn’t that attached to it, just…it didn’t feel like sleeping in a stranger’s room anymore. They’d painted his bedroom (three red walls, one a dusty brown) and Gabriel didn’t mind his stuff being strewn everywhere, as long as nothing was going to mildew. He felt comfortable rustling around the fridge for food and sometimes even sitting in the living room to watch TV instead of hiding out in his bedroom all day.

Yeah. He could handle it when it was just him and Gabriel.

But then the guy had the nerve to invite guests over.

He came home from work around 6, and Jesse was about to go out and say hello when he heard a voice he didn’t recognize. He froze in his tracks. 

Gabriel found him like that, awkwardly standing in the middle of his room.

“Hey,” he said, pushing the door open just enough to peer in. “Ana and her daughter are staying for dinner. Do you want to come out and meet them?”

Ana. Right, the coworker who’d kick Gabriel’s ass if she heard Jesse cursing. He’d keep that in mind-–for better or worse. He didn’t know she had a kid, though.

“Okay,” he agreed, voice shaking involuntarily. He didn’t know why he felt so nervous. His thoughts weren’t this nervous.

He followed Gabriel to the living room, plucking absently at the soft fabric of the pajama pants he hadn’t bothered changing out of.

Ana was sitting on the couch, legs crossed and smiling in a knowing way that gave him goosebumps. The kid standing next to her and staring right at him, then, was her daughter.

“You must be Jess,” said Ana, leaning forward. He still wasn’t sure what he thought about _Jess_ as a name, but it was better than the one on his birth certificate. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh,” he said. Ana laughed. He wasn’t entirely sure why. He looked over at the girl, and Ana followed his gaze.

“This is Fareeha,” she said, gesturing at her. “Say hello.”

“Hi!” Fareeha said, grinning widely.

Jesse blinked. “Hi,” he responded. “It’s, uh…nice to meet you.”

“You, too. Do you play basketball?”

He blinked again. Ana stood up and walked to the kitchen, apparently going to discuss something with Gabriel, their voices murmuring in the corner of his perception. “No,” he answered, finally. “Don’t play sports.”

“Aww,” Fareeha whined, wrinkling her nose. “That’s boring. You’re so tall, too.”

“Not really.” He was taller than her, but maybe by a foot. She was obviously still going to grow. He wasn’t sure he would anymore.

She huffed and crossed her arms, looking over at her mom. Ana was talking about something, voice low, the sounds echoing off the kitchen tiles just enough to jumble them in Jesse’s ears. She put a hand on Gabriel’s arm and smiled. Jesse wondered if she was married.

Fareeha tugged on one of his braids, and he frowned at the sudden intrusion.

“I wish my hair was this long,” she said, sighing. Jesse’s frown turned into a grimace. He’d thought a lot about cutting his hair off recently. He might do that soon. Gabriel probably had scissors somewhere in the house.

“Grow it out,” he said, testily. Her hair was in a shoulder-length bob, obviously styled short in some way. Why was she touching him? He leaned backwards a little, and she stuck her tongue out at him, but at least she let go.

“Duh!” she went, loud enough to attract the attention of Ana and Gabe. “I’m  _trying_ , I’ve only been a girl for a year.”

He blinked. He blinked again, and felt the blood drain from his face.  _What?_

“What?” he said, voice pitching higher in his shock. “What…what do you mean?”

The adults had fallen completely silent. It kind of felt like the whole world had gone silent with them, his heart pounding in his ears.

Fareeha crossed her arms and stood up straighter, raising her chin proudly. “Mom thought I was a boy!” she said, defiantly. “But I told her I wasn’t, so now she’s letting me grow my hair.”

Jesse stared at her. Fareeha stared back, her expression deepening into a frown the longer his eyes stayed on her, face blank.

She just…told Ana that she was a girl? And that worked? People could just do that?

Could…could he?

“Alright, kids!” came Gabriel’s voice, and Jesse flinched, startled out of his reverie. “Who wants to help make dinner?”

“I will!” Fareeha volunteered, running off into the kitchen. Jesse watched her, and glanced at Gabriel, catching a look from him, some squinting expression that Jesse couldn’t read. Was he in trouble? Was he not supposed to ask her about…what he had asked her about?

“…Jess?” Gabriel followed up with, voice in that controlled tone he used whenever Jesse’s brain wasn’t acting right. “Do you want to help with dinner?”

Jesse turned to the floor and shook his head, despite his anxiety at saying 'no.'

“Oh, come on Jess, spend some time with us,” Ana said, a smile on her face that felt like a trap. But Gabriel nudged her, and frowned, and she sighed before turning away, reaching an arm towards Fareeha and saying something too quiet for Jesse to hear except for the doting tone.

“It’ll be about an hour,” Gabriel said. Jesse nodded and slunk off to his bedroom.

He had a lot to think about.

* * *

He came out to eat dinner instead of taking it in his room, which he could tell Gabriel was happy about. That kind of made him happy too. He usually didn’t like doing what people wanted, but…it was different here. He could have stayed in his room. He didn’t do the thing that Gabriel wanted because he  _had_  to. He just. Could. And it felt really nice to have someone smile just because he walked into a room.

He didn’t say anything all dinner, just ate quietly and nodded his head a few times or shrugged his shoulders to answer Ana’s questions. Was he going back to school soon? Was he excited? Had he made any friends in the neighborhood yet?

She seemed more like a parent than Gabriel did. Too many questions about things he didn’t care about. Too many smiles about things that couldn't have been funny unless  _he_  was the one she was laughing at.

He was happy when they left soon after dinner. He wanted to talk to Fareeha more, but…he didn’t know what to say. She was young, and there were too many adults around. He didn’t want to talk to them. Not yet.

He laid his head down on the counter while Gabriel did the dishes, listening to the running water and clank of pans and plates. He hadn’t asked Jesse to help. Like maybe he knew the answer would be no.

“What did you think of Fareeha?”

Jesse lifted his head up, squinting at the sudden light. “She’s…happy,” he started. And then, out of words, never finished, instead just shrugging a shoulder.

“She is,” Gabriel agreed, smiling. “She wasn’t always, but she’s gotten better recently.”

He nodded, wondering why, exactly, that might have been. “Did, did you, uh…” He frowned at his unexpected stammer, but at the very least got Gabriel’s attention. “Did you,” he tried again, “know her before she…before she was a girl?”

“I did,” was the answer. As if it was a completely normal question. Jesse fidgeted in his seat.

“Was it weird?”

“What-–when she told us we were wrong?”

“Yeah.”

He shrugged, unbothered. “I didn’t think so.”

“Oh.”

He listened to the running water for a moment longer before Gabriel chose to expand upon his answer, rinsing off the last plate.

“I can’t speak for anyone else, but mostly I felt relieved. This was a big thing for her.  _Is_  a big thing. And to know that she felt supported enough to be herself around us…it’s comforting. She’s much more confident now.”

Gabriel glanced at him, and Jesse looked at the counter.

“Y’know, Jess…I try my best to anticipate what you need, but I know I’ll miss things, or just be plain wrong sometimes. So if you ever need something from me, I hope you know you can always ask. I want you to feel supported, too. That’s what I’m here for.”

The counter blurred, and he wrinkled his nose. “Mph,” he went, sliding off the stool onto his feet. “’M going to bed.” He went to his room without waiting for a response.

“Sweet dreams,” Gabriel bade him.

He shut his door.

He felt…weird. Anxious, but that didn’t usually make him want to cry.

He sniffed, and rubbed his eyes. His head felt full of static. He felt kind of sick. He felt kind of like laughing.

He didn’t know how to deal with this. He went to bed.


	6. Chapter 6

There were some things Jesse wasn’t telling him, he knew that much. But of course there were, he was a human being. There were some things Gabe wasn’t telling  _him_ , because that’s how life worked. The problem wasn’t that Jesse was keeping secrets--the problem was that Gabriel didn’t know whether to poke him about them.

Did Jesse not want to talk to him about certain subjects? That was perfectly fine. But he couldn’t tell if it was that, or that Jesse was scared to bring things up and would be relieved to talk about them if Gabe offered enough encouragement and support.

He decided to err on the side of leaving him alone. There would be plenty of time to drag things out of him once Gabe had solidly established that he was allowed to say ‘no’ without repercussions.

Thankfully, he wasn’t kept waiting that long.

* * *

 

It was 7:00am on a Monday, and Gabriel had dragged himself to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and attempt to get his day started. To his surprise, he found Jesse awake and sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the TV. It was playing something at a low murmur.

“Jess?” he asked, trying to blink the tiredness out of his eyes. “What’re you doing up?”

Jesse looked over at him, eyelids heavy. He hadn’t slept.

“Jesse,” he said.

“Huh?”

“Can you...call me Jesse?”

“...okay, Jesse.” Gabe watched him turn away, looking at the floor. But he stood there attentively, empty mug in hand, hoping this wasn’t the end of the conversation.

“...I want a haircut,” he mumbled, pulling his feet up onto the couch, hugging his knees.

“Okay,” Gabe answered, again. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. He’d had a feeling for a while, and it only got stronger the more he learned about Jesse. And then, after that conversation with Fareeha...god, he would really rather this not be happening right after he woke up, but it was, and he tried to give it his full attention.

Jesse stared at the floor, tugging on his hair, the slightest of frowns on his face.

Should he just ask? Should he wait for Jesse to tell him? What if he was wrong, and had been ignoring some other important sign?

“Jesse,” he decided. “Is there...something you want to tell me?”

“Mph,” went Jesse. He rubbed at one of his eyes, hiding his face from Gabe, and nodded.

So he set his mug on the counter, walked over, and sat on the floor in front of the couch. “Alright,” he said. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Jesse sat there, staring at the floor. And he stared. And stared. And fidgeted with his hair.

Gabe tried to be patient. He told Jesse he would give him time, and he intended to, but...

The longer the silence stretched, the more nervous Jesse got. He was starting to gnaw on his fingernails. Maybe this wasn’t helping.

“Do you want me to guess?”

Jesse glanced at him, eyes wide, but stilling for the moment. He nodded.

“Okay.”  _Here goes nothing_. “Is it...that...you want to be a boy?”

His face scrunched up, and he nodded again before burying his head in his arms, curling up and giving a choked half-sob.

“Alright, yeah, okay,” Gabe said, hurriedly, reaching out before second-guessing whether Jesse would actually want to be touched. “That’s okay. You can be a boy.” He sat there feeling useless as Jesse balled his hands into fists and trembled, whimpering huffs of air every so often as if he was determined to keep himself from actually crying.

“It’s okay,” Gabe repeated, softly, not sure what else to do. “It’s okay...”

He sat there on the floor until Jesse finally took a deep, shuddering breath, and then another, and lifted his head up, face red.

“Hey,” went Gabe. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Mph,” went Jesse. Then, “Can we...get clothes again.”

“Of course!” he agreed, thrilled at the mention of something he could actually help with. “Before or after your haircut?”

He thought about it. “...After.”

“Alright. Have you thought about what kind of cut you want?” He didn’t know any hairdressers, but he was sure he could ask around and--

“Shave it off.”

“Oh. Uh--sure, if that’s what you want.” He rubbed the back of his neck, not sure whether it was a good time to push back against the idea. “Just...that’s a big change.”

“I  _know_.”

Right. That was probably the point.

“Okay, okay,” he relented. “How do you feel about me doing it, then? It’d save us some money.”

Jesse’s eyes lit up at the suggestion, and Gabe found himself immediately regretting it. “Can we do it today?”

Aw, shit. How deep did his duties go in terms of acting as impulse control for a twelve year old? This was obviously important to him, but...

Well. On second thought, he’d probably been thinking about this way longer than the five minutes Gabriel’d had so far. And it was hair. It would grow back.

Worst come to worst, he’d get Jesse a hat.

“Y’know what. Sure.” He stood up, using the coffee table and couch to help him on his way. “Right after I come back from work, okay? I’ll even try to duck out early.”

Jesse nodded enthusiastically, and Gabe smiled, before finally returning to his task of making coffee. Though this whole thing had woken him up quite a bit already.

What a start to the day.

* * *

 

He came home to find Jesse sleeping on the couch, which was inexplicably heartwarming.

Well, maybe not too inexplicable. He assumed that the reason Jesse’d been up all night was the anxiety involved in coming out to him, and now he was relaxed enough to fall asleep. Right in the middle of the living room, even.

It was also possible he’d just gotten too exhausted to stay awake any longer and had passed out.

Either way, Gabriel decided to let him be. He’d wake him up later in the evening, if he needed to--he had a promise to keep, after all--but otherwise, Jesse could sleep. He needed it.

Instead, he gathered everything for the shearing (he laughed to himself at the phrasing, even as he felt a little guilty at thinking of it as that), moving a stool into the bathroom and laying out a towel and his clippers. After a moment of consideration, he dug out the set of guards that had come with them and attached the longest one he had. He’d go shorter if Jesse asked, but...well, there wasn’t any coming back from  _too_  short. At least not for a while.

He’d made enough food over the weekend to have leftovers, so he didn’t need to make dinner, thankfully. Maybe he could get some research done tonight. Ana would be some help, if Jesse was okay with him talking to her about it, but he still had a  _lot_  of googling to do.

Jesse finally woke up while Gabe was microwaving himself a plate of leftovers. He sat up on the couch and squinted at the blank television, blinking slowly.

“Hey Jesse,” Gabe greeted. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Jesse said, as if he wasn’t entirely sure. “What time is it?”

“About seven. PM. Do you want me to heat up some leftovers for you?”

He shook his head. “’M not hungry...”

“Alright. Maybe later.”

He brought him a glass of water, instead, setting it on the coffee table before sitting at the counter with his food. Jesse came to sit next to him, hands wrapped around the glass.

“I didn’t forget about your hair,” Gabe assured him. “I just thought you might like to sleep in.”

“Okay.”

“By the way...” he set his fork down, turning towards Jesse. “How do you want me to refer to you to other people? I’ve been...at work, I’ve been calling you my daughter, should I start saying ‘son’ instead? Or something else? What do you think?”

Jesse stared at him, wide-eyed, which wasn’t the reaction he had been anticipating. “You...you called me your daughter...?”

“Yes?” he answered, tentatively. “I won’t anymore, if you don’t want me to.”

He stared into his glass of water instead, tapping the side of it with his nails. “...son is fine,” he decided. “You can tell them.”

Gabe nodded, and went back to his food.

* * *

 

Jesse excused himself soon afterwards--he had, Gabriel was slowly beginning to realize, some kind of issue with being next to people who were eating, though he wasn’t quite sure what it was--so after he’d finished, he went to fetch him from his bedroom.

“Alright,” he said, poking his head in the doorway. “Do you still want to do this, or should we wait?”

“I still want to!” Jesse insisted, jumping up. That was, probably, the most excitable answer he had ever gotten from him.

Gabe nodded. “Bring your brush.”

Jesse grabbed it, and they headed to the bathroom. He hopped up on the stool eagerly, and sat still for Gabe to drape a towel around his shoulders.

Gabe took his hair out of the braids first, setting the ties on the sink and brushing it all out before gathering it into a lose ponytail. It was actually longer than he first thought--almost straight, but with a little wave to it, extending all the way down to Jesse’s lower back.

He grabbed the scissors, admittedly feeling just the slightest bit nervous. Like, inexplicably, he was going to answer to someone’s mom for doing this. But he knew that the only person he had to answer to was Jesse--and he, almost always seen to be frowning in some angst or anxiety, was now staring into the mirror with a look of quiet excitement.

He took a breath, steadying himself, and cut off the ponytail in one long, slow motion.

Jesse’s hair fell forward around his shoulders. He made a face, more amused than anything.

“Yeah?” went Gabe.

Jesse passed him the clippers.

“Alright, alright,” Gabe said, laughing. He held out the ponytail. “What do you want to do with this?”

He took it and looked over it, and ran his hand over the base where it had been cut off. He set it on the sink, and looked back at Gabe.

Well, okay. They could deal with that later.

“This might feel a little weird,” he warned, before switching the clippers on and starting at the base of Jesse’s neck.

He split his attention, watching Jesse carefully for any sign that things weren’t going quite as planned. He wasn’t entirely sure what he would do if that were the case--they were kind of past the point of no return, here--but he wanted to keep an eye out, just in case.

It was much easier than cutting his own hair, that was for sure. After a few minutes, it was done. He brushed the stray hairs off the back of Jesse’s neck.

“There you go,” he announced. “Was this what you wanted?”

Jesse nodded. He reached up to mess with it, only to stop and look at the furry towel around his shoulders. Gabe picked it up and shook it out onto a part of the floor that would be easy to sweep up.

Jesse ran his hands over the inch-long fuzz all over his head, transfixed.

“It’s soft, isn’t it?”

“Yeah...”

He stared into the mirror for another long moment, and then turned to Gabe.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Would you mind helping me sweep this up?”

“Uh...sure.”

He hopped off the stool, and went to, presumably, get the broom and dustpan.

Gabe sighed heavily once he was out of earshot.

God, he  _really_  hoped Jesse liked the haircut.


	7. Chapter 7

“…but, really, it was all sorts of people, I mean, the Clint Eastwood movies were based on a Japanese film that Leone saw and adapted, uh, without asking, and they were Italian movies that a lot of got filmed in Spain if they had the money for it, and they purposely put people from different places to act in them so other countries would be interested, so it’s…”

Jesse trailed off, face growing red. He reached up to tug at his hair only to belatedly realize it wasn’t there anymore, and resorted to rubbing the fuzz on the back of his head, instead. “It’s…y’know.”

He picked at the food on his plate, barely touched. Gabe had finished his a good five minutes ago and had been enjoying his impromptu film history lesson.

“Not as American as everyone thinks?” he followed up, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah…”

“Wow. I had no idea.” He tried his hardest to convey his interest without seeming patronizing–he was telling the truth, after all. He’d never been a huge film buff. “That’s funny, I always associated Westerns with that macho American mentality.”

“Well, they kind of–” Jesse started again, but interrupted himself, frowning. “Yeah,” he repeated, instead, and began actually eating his dinner.

Gabe watched him for a moment, wondering about the sudden change in heart, before looking away.

“Hey, Jesse,” he said, an idea occurring to him. “Have you ever been to the Western Heritage Museum?”

“...what’s that?”

“Oh,” went Gabe, grinning. “ _Jesse_.”

* * *

He was surprised that his “ _trust me”_  had been enough to convince Jesse to go along with his plan, but the very next Saturday morning they were in the car, Jesse actually taking to looking out the windshield rather than the passenger side window. He glanced over a few times. Gabe smiled at him.

“Hm?”

“Nothing,” went Jesse.

“You sure?”

He rubbed at his headfuzz contemplatively. “…I’ve never…I don’t usually like museums, but…I don’t know, it might not be too bad, with you…”

“Well. I appreciate your faith in me,” Gabe said. “Why don’t you usually like them?”

“I dunno. I get bored.” He frowned at the floor, some thought tossing around in his head. “…this one lady, she fostered me a few years ago, she took me to a lot of museums, but she’d always watch me when we were in front of something she thought was cool, and it kind of freaked me out, so I’d get nervous, and…well, sometimes I’d. I’d get freaked out, y’know? And then others she’d just get mad when I wasn’t interested, like…she’d paid for me to be there, and I should think it was cool…”

He shrugged. Gabe frowned.

“That doesn’t sound fun,” he acknowledged. “Well, we can leave if you get bored.” The tickets would be cheap between his military discount and Jesse being a kid, anyways. “But, between you and me…I think you’re gonna like it.”

“Why?”

Gabe laughed, taking the exit off the highway. “You’ll see in a few minutes.”

Jesse huffed and crossed his arms, but didn’t ask him anything further, instead peering out the window and tilting his head, trying to see anything past the raggedy trees lining the road ahead.

The building wasn’t anything notable to look at, at least not  _distinctive_ , but Jesse was transfixed the moment they stepped into the long, tall-windowed lobby, staring at the massive arching statue on the far end, a weary Native American on an equally weary horse.

Gabe let him stare and stepped over to the desk to buy tickets, the receptionist smiling fondly at the sight of Jesse staring up at the statue.

“Alright, the rest of the museum’s this way,” Gabe said, tilting his head towards a hallway. Technically, the rest of the museum was the  _other_  way, too, a long corridor stretching in both directions, but he was a fan of eating desert first and he was pretty sure Jesse would like this section the most.

Jesse nodded and hurried over to him, falling into his place a step behind and a little to the side.

Gabe walked down the hallway, glancing at Jesse and watching his expression fall as they went past a long line of paintings and sculptures, mostly landscapes and wildlife.

“That’s pretty cool,” Gabe remarked, pointing at one of them. Jesse made a face, and Gabe laughed, quietly.

He stepped to the left as they reached the end of the hallway, branching off to either side, and waved Jesse in front of him. “So, we could go that way,” he said, nodding towards the right. It looked a lot like the hallway they’d just walked down, except it opened up into a proper gallery. “Or…”

He stepped aside to indicate the room to their left, and didn’t even get to finish his sentence before Jesse’s startled “ _What_.”

He ran ahead and looked around, head on a swivel, before darting over and gluing himself to one of the glass cases.

It was exactly the reaction Gabe had hoped for at dropping Jesse in the middle of a room full of western movie memorabilia.

The cases circled around the entire room, organized roughly by decade, filled with props and scripts and sheet music and director’s chairs. Jesse hopped from one to the other and back again, Gabe quickly giving up on keeping up with him and just hovering in his general vicinity. That is, until Jesse pointed at something and looked over, only to find him standing at another exhibit.

Gabe walked over, eyebrows raised. “Yeah?”

Jesse promptly proceeded to tell him absolutely everything about the objects in that case, not once stopping to look down at the descriptions the museum had provided below them.

Gabe nodded and raised his eyebrows and looked everywhere that Jesse pointed him to. He was really, genuinely impressed, and kind of proud, in a way. Sure, he didn’t have anything to do with it, but he had such a smart kid! Gabe didn’t consider himself  _stupid_ , but there wasn’t a single thing he could stand there and rattle off as many facts about off the top of his head.

It was probably a full half hour after they arrived that Jesse finally tore himself away from an exhibit and turned to Gabe, wide-eyed.

“What  _else_  is here?”

* * *

There was a lot else there. Nothing comparing to the first exhibit, but Jesse combed through the rest of them with rapt attention nonetheless. Native American art and crafts (including recent bead-work depicting Tweety bird, of all things), life on the prairie, cowboys from different countries and races and how their supplies and techniques differed. Jesse stood in front of a section labeled  _Buckaroo_ , and read about the  _vaquero_  white Americans had…borrowed the word from.

Jesse grinned.

“ _Aquí estoy yo_ ,” he said, pointing at the sign.

“ _As _í_  es, vaquero_.” Gabe pat the top of his head, and Jesse laughed, batting him away and scurrying to the next exhibit.

There was barbed wire. Like, a completely ridiculous amount of it. Jesse pulled out glass cases displaying different styles of it for five minutes before shaking his head and leaving, not even through a quarter of the room. Gabe was impressed he’d gotten even that far.

There was a garden in the back, shady but still hot enough that they were the only ones out there, walking along the stone path. There were memorials along it every so often, a plaque or stone with an epitaph dedicated to a beloved horse. Jesse leaned on the wooden fence surrounding one of them, a white-washed stone bemoaning “ _again the reaper has visited the corral…”_

“Do you think there’s actually horses buried here?” he mumbled, frowning.

Gabriel looked around. There was certainly enough space, but it seemed…morbid. And an odd feature for a museum.

“I…don’t know,” he answered. “What do you think?”

“I dunno,” Jesse agreed. “I sure hope not.”

* * *

They didn’t get through the whole museum, but Jesse’s energy had petered out somewhere around the whole dead horses thing, and he readily agreed to leave the rest for later once Gabe promised to bring him back some other weekend.

They stopped by the gift shop, though. They had to.

There was a surprising variety of things to buy, not just the usual t-shirts and stuffed toys (though they had those, too), but also products made by the local Native population and, from what he could tell, some damn nice hats.

Jesse looked around, glancing over kitchenware and decorations, briefly interested in the t-shirts and then drawn, suddenly and obviously, to a shelf of silk bandannas. He picked up a red one that looked similar to an outfit they’d seen on display earlier that day, running it through his hands and feeling the fabric. He then, however, spotted the price tag and immediately flushed, returning it to the shelf and walking away.

Gabe watched him leave, and then walked up to the shelf himself, looking at the prices. They weren’t cheap, but they weren’t  _exorbitant._  They were quality bandannas, not Halloween costumes. The price seemed reasonable enough.

He looked over. Jesse was glancing at hats out of the corner of his eye as if they’d make him pay a fee for looking too long at them.

“Why don’t you try one on?” Gabe suggested.

Jesse frowned. “Oh. No, I…” he trailed off in his failed attempt to sound disinterested. “They’re like, two hundred dollars…”

That was definitely overestimating.

_Well_ …for some of them.

“I don’t think they charge for looking,” Gabe said, raising an eyebrow. He stood next to a mirror and picked up a hat, waving it. “Come on,  _vaquero_. You can’t visit a cowboy museum without trying on a hat.”

Jesse huffed, trying to frown away a smile as he walked over. “I don’t see  _you_  wearing one.”

Gabe shrugged, grabbing another hat and placing it atop his beanie. Jesse snickered, and took the one he was holding, putting it on and looking in the mirror, turning his head from side to side.

“…not quite?” Gabe guessed, gauging by his expression.

“Mm,” he agreed. He took it off, putting it back where it came from, and went to grab a different one. Gabe took his chance to pick up one of those red bandannas (as well as return his supplemental hat to its proper spot).

Jesse came back with a flatter brown hat, and Gabe held out the bandanna. He looked at it almost warily, but took it anyways, tying it around his neck.

They both stood back and took it all in, Jesse picking nervously at his fingernails.

It suited him. Jesse’s eyes met his in the mirror, questioning.

“Well. You have to have these,” Gabe decided, easily.

Jesse turned to look at him, and then frowned, glancing away for a brief moment. “Are…you sure?” It spoke to how much he wanted them that he didn’t overtly protest the price again.

“I’ve never been more sure in my life.”

He untied the bandanna and plucked the hat off Jesse’s head, walking over to the checkout. “Anything else?”

Jesse shook his head, following, eyes glued to the hat.

So Gabe paid for the items and immediately returned them to Jesse where they belonged. They went back to the car, Jesse staring at the ground and running the bandanna--already around his neck again--between his fingers.

“Ugh, it got hot in here,” Gabe complained as he slid into the car, turning up the a/c for what good it would do. He looked at Jesse, and found him staring into the side mirror as if there was a riddle there he was trying to solve.

“…you okay?” he asked.

Jesse nodded, but only got about halfway through a “ _yeah”_ before his face scrunched up and he pulled his sleeves over his hands, covering his eyes and dragging his feet up into the seat.

He sniffled and hicced for a moment before sitting up, forgetting the tears still dripping from his face to carefully untie the bandanna, fold it, and place it on the dashboard. He then resumed trying to mop up his face with his sleeves.

Gabe sighed, mostly sad, but somewhat relieved and a bit amused that this bandanna took such high priority already. He dug out the spare tissues from the console and handed them over, Jesse gratefully taking a fistful and wiping his nose.

“I-I’m f-fine I s-sw-swear,” he insisted, even through his tears, “I j-just, I just–”

He was interrupted by a sob that he did his best to turn into an exasperated laugh. “I-I look–-like-–a–-boy,” he managed to force out, word by word.

Gabriel’s heart melted. He smiled, softly, blinking back the moisture in his eyes. “That’s good, right?”

Jesse nodded, multiple times, beyond words as he took gasping breaths. He struggled for a few moments before managing; ”I’m s-sorry I don’t know w-w-why I c-can’t s-st-stop–”

“It’s okay,” Gabe assured him, patting his shoulder, just briefly. “You just…have to cry all the bad feelings out to make room for the good ones sometimes.”

He managed another struggling laugh. “That’s s- _stupid_.”

“Aw, come on…”

Jesse grinned, and hicced, and spent the next minute steadying his breathing, finally making some headway in drying his face off.

Gabe started driving them home, and Jesse started a small mountain of tissues, and the next time he looked in the mirror, his smile just got wider.


	8. Chapter 8

Gabe was immensely thankful for the few months they had to spend together as what was growing into a family. But August approached too quickly, and soon it was time for Jesse to go back to school.

On the bright side, he would have been changing schools at this point in his life anyways, so Gabriel was saved the guilt of not being able to take him to his previous one. On the other hand…

It was his first year of middle school, which likely meant it was about to become a living hell for him.

Gabriel kept this sentiment strictly to himself. Jesse had enough to deal with without worrying about the hypothetical.

Did he want to present as “Jesse” at school, even knowing there might be potential push back against that? (”Yeah,” he said, not even giving it a second thought.

“Okay. Let me know if you need me to come talk to anyone.”)

They had to buy uniforms–slacks and polo shirts. They were too far into the city for him to go anywhere  _without_  them. (Jesse made a face at trying one on for the first time, and Gabe sighed. “Yeah, it’s bad,” he acknowledged. “But at least everyone looks equally terrible.”)

They-–mostly Jesse-–had a lot of talks with his therapist about what the school year was going to look like, and they eventually decided-–again, mostly Jesse, putting his foot down and not budging an inch-–to put him on the same track with all the other kids and see how that went.

The therapist had a very brief private discussion with Gabriel. She hadn't wanted to do anything behind Jesse’s back, but she felt it was necessary. “I understand why he wants to do this,” she said, “and I think he  _can_ , but it’s going to be a lot of work. For both of you.”

Gabriel nodded, determined to see this through. “Got it.” It’d been a while since he was in middle school, but he could at least help Jesse study. The material couldn’t be  _too_  hard.

Right?

* * *

The first day, Gabriel drove Jesse to the school and they sat in the parking lot for a long five minutes, Jesse clutching his backpack in his lap and staring at the building.

“…what’s going on?” Gabe asked, lightly, trying not to sound as if he was urging him out of the car. He could stand being a little bit late to work, and they’d gotten there half an hour before Jesse’s first class. There wasn’t any rush.

“School,” said Jesse. And then, at Gabe’s silence, “I don’t...wanna be...stupid.”

“Hmm.” It probably wasn’t the best time to break out into a conversation about intelligence vs. academic success. “What about school makes you feel stupid?”

“All of it.” He messed with one of the zippers on his backpack, brow furrowing. “What if…what if I can’t be in the same classes with the normal kids.”

“Then we’ll figure out what support you need to learn the material.”

Jesse’s face scrunched up, and Gabe sighed, sitting back in his seat.

“You’re not stupid for needing support,” he started, already trying to figure out how to make his point as quickly as possible. “Y’know, one of the guys I work with–-he could never learn how to drive. You know why?”

Jesse looked at him, frowning. “Why?”

“’Cause he’s blind. He usually calls a friend when he needs to get somewhere, or takes a taxi. He has to do things differently because of who he is, and I think everyone’s like that, to some extent. Schools are structured really well for certain kinds of people, but not everyone is that kind of person. Hell, I don’t think  _most_  people are that kind of person. So…” he shrugged. “Think of it like calling a taxi. It’s just a different way to get somewhere.”

Jesse continued messing with the zippers on his backpack, mulling over Gabe’s speech.

“…he’s really blind?” is what he finally asked.

“Yep.”

“Huh…”

And then, finally, he reached over and opened the car door, just an inch. “Um,” he went, staring at the ground, “See–-see you later, Dad.”

Gabe couldn’t help but grin.  _Dad!_  “See you later, Jesse.”

He nodded, and finally left for school.

* * *

Jesse’s mood when he picked him up was about what he expected. Not great-–but at least not completely despairing.

“How was it?”

He shrugged, dropping his backpack in the floor. “It was…okay. I guess.”

“I’m glad it was at least ‘okay,’” Gabe said, sincerely. “Do you want to go anywhere in particular for dinner tonight? Your choice.”

Jesse thought about it, though his fidgeting indicated it was more he was summoning the courage to say what he’d already decided. “Can we…make something?”

“Something?”

“Yeah. I don’t care. Anything.”

Gabe nodded. “Sure,” he said. “We can do that.”

An entire city of options, and he picked staying in with Gabriel.

He couldn’t help but feel he’d done something right.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time to get GAY
> 
> (soz meant to update yesterday and forgot)
> 
> warnings for brief brief descriptions of homophobia & child abuse

For all the weeks he’d spent keeping his careful distance, Jesse was starting to show his true colors. For example: he was  _very_  cuddly. Or, perhaps more likely, starved for affection. Gabe kept up his half-joking headpats since Jesse started grinning whenever he got them, and the kid had a few trial runs of butting his head softly on Gabe’s arm while they were sitting on the couch together, leaning away moments later, before one day he finally flopped over on him and stayed there for a good few minutes.

Gabe took this as encouragement and offered him a hug that night before bed. After that, it was rare Jesse went to sleep without one.

It was one of these times, Jesse curled up against Gabe’s side, idly watching a nature documentary as Gabe got some reading done, that he looked up and asked, once again, “So, uh…how  _did_  you get those scars?”

Gabe looked at him. At his big, brown, curious eyes. And sighed.

“Yeah, alright,” he said, setting his book down and pausing the TV. A birds-eye shot of a forest stared back at him. “It’s not a fun story,” he warned.

“Oh,” went Jesse, quietly.

Gabe nodded, rubbing at his beard. “It has a happy ending. For the most part.” He took some time deciding how to begin. That was always the hardest part about telling this story-–he never knew how people were going to react to the first sentence. “I was fifteen the first time I brought a boy home.” Jesse’s eyes grew wide, but he didn’t interrupt him. “I made sure my dad wasn’t there. I’d never talked about it with my mom, but I knew she’d try her best to understand. She probably knew, anyway.”

He sighed. Heavily. Fifteen years later, and he still couldn’t forget what that day felt like. “My dad did find out. And he beat the shit out of me.” He ran a finger along the lines across his face. “This is the only thing that didn’t heal right. It was-–my mom kept a garden, so there were tools laying around he made use of.” He’d described a few times in the past exactly how much it’d looked like he got mauled by a bear. He decided to leave that detail out this time around.

“But that was the last straw for my mom. She moved all of us to her cousin’s house and divorced my dad a couple months later. We lost most of our stuff and the house, but me and her both picked up another job and made it work. The extra hours were easier to deal with than that jackass ever was, anyways.”

He glanced at Jesse, who was staring blankly at the floor. “So,” he said. “That’s the story.”

Jesse nodded, slowly. Then he turned and wrapped his arms around Gabe, giving him a clumsy side-hug.

Gabe smiled, weakly, and pat his back. “Thanks.”

“Mph,” went Jesse. Then, after a long moment, “You…had a boyfriend?”

“I’ve had a few boyfriends,” he answered, smile growing a little more genuine. “And a few girlfriends. And one ‘friend’ who wasn’t either.”

Jesse sat up, slowly and contemplatively. “Oh,” he went. “What about now?”

“What  _about_  now?”

“You aren’t dating anyone?”

Gabe huffed, more amused at the question than anything. “I haven’t had a whole lot of time for that, between work and fostering a kid.”

“Oh…”

Jesse frowned. Gabriel winced, realizing how much he’d made it sound like it was Jesse’s fault.  _Shit_. Well, he’d said this much, might as well tell the whole truth.

“And I’ve been too chickenshit to ask this guy out. So. There’s that.”

Jesse perked up immediately, and Gabe  _almost_  regretted saying anything.

“Oooo!” Jesse teased, leaning into his space, grinning widely. “There’s a  _boy_.”

“Oh, God,” Gabe went, laughing and putting a hand over his face-–he was not expecting to be this embarrassed over it. He could feel himself blushing, for Christ’s sake. “Yes. There’s a boy.” Then again, he hadn’t exactly talked about this with anyone else.

“Who is he? Can I meet him?”

Jesse was way too eager about this. Gabe could understand why, to an extent, but he wasn’t going to let Jesse’s excitement steamroll his better judgement.

“Absolutely not,” he said. “You’d tell him the second you saw him, I know you would.”

“Nuh-uuuh…” Jesse went, defiantly and completely unconvincingly. Gabe raised an eyebrow. Jesse relented and shrugged, smile halfway between bashful and mischievous, before flopping over and getting comfortable resting his head in Gabe’s lap.

“Is he cute?”

Gabriel stared down at him, suspicious, but Jesse just smiled.

“Yes,” Gabe sighed, relenting. “He’s very cute.”

“What makes him cute?”

“I don’t know.” What kind of question was that? “He just is.”

Jesse huffed, hitting Gabe’s side playfully. “I mean…” he made a wide, and vague, gesture with his hands. “Y’know. What…what do you like about him?”

“I…don’t know,” Gabe repeated, though the question gave him pause. It’s not like he’d written any flowery poetry about him or anything, so he hadn’t ever had a reason to put this stuff into words.

And it was, admittedly, embarrassing to talk about. But it really shouldn’t be, right? They were just completely normal, human feelings.

Maybe he should get some practice in, and see if he couldn’t raise Jesse to be better at it than he was.

“He’s…nice,” he started, and at Jesse’s unimpressed face, “Yeah, okay, that was lame, I know. He’s…he’s good at getting me out of my own head. I try not to show it around you, but I overthink a lot. Or…sometimes. It used to be worse. He’s helped me grow out of it. And he’s got a good sense of humor, even if a lot of it is self-deprecating. I guess that’s something I’m trying to help him with.” He laughed, slightly, and Jesse nodded, listening intently as he started to twirl one of the drawstrings of Gabe’s hoodie around his finger. “I guess, overall, he’s just easy to talk to. We’ve both been through a lot. He gets me. And…God, he’s intimidatingly handsome.”

“Aw,” went Jesse, smiling. “So why haven’t you asked him out yet?”

“Well, he’s been impressively silent about whether he’s interested in men, for one. I could just ask him anyways, but…I guess I have the same useless excuse everyone else does. I like being friends. And I don’t want to mess that up.”

“It’d make work awkward,” agreed Jesse.

“Yeah, no kidding,” he sighed, “I–-” Wait.

_Wait_. “Hey!” went Gabe, frowning, and Jesse immediately broke, laughing and sitting up.

“You never go anywhere but work!” he said, giggling. “You said it’s a small office, right?”

“You-–you conniving…little…”

Jesse hopped up, grinning. “My dad’s in love with the cute guy at the office!” he announced to the otherwise empty house. Gabe got up at this, reaching towards him, but Jesse scurried away. Unfortunately for him, Gabriel was more nimble than he looked, and after a brief chase around the living room, Gabe caught him, wrapping his arms around Jesse’s waist and picking him up, Jesse laughing and half-heartedly squirming against his grip.

“ _You_ ,” Gabe said, setting him down again and turning him around. “Are too smart for your own good.” He pressed a finger firmly to Jesse’s forehead to punctuate his point.

“You should ask him out.”

Gabe stared down at him, Jesse grinning and meeting his eyes for a moment before looking away, expression unchanging.

“I’ll think about it,” Gabe decided.

“No,” said Jesse, reaching up and pressing his own finger to Gabe’s forehead. “Don’t think. Just do it.” With that, he walked back over to the couch to finish his documentary.

Gabe watched him, his thoughts settling. He wanted to hurt anyone who had ever made this kid feel stupid–-or at least give them a firm talking to.

_My dad’s in love–-_

He turned away, frowning. It wasn’t  _that,_  he just-–he…

He ran his hands over his face, heart sinking.

Shit.

He was in love with Jack Morrison.


	10. Chapter 10

Jesse accepted another dish to dry, placing the last one on the neat pile he had going on the counter. “I dunno why she’s gotta act like it’s the best book ever. It kind of sucks so far.”

Gabe shrugged a shoulder, conceding his point. “It’s important to be excited about what you’re teaching. But if you’re just bullshitting, it can ruin it.”

“She’s definitely bullshitting.”

“Hey, language.”

Jesse frowned at him, then stuck his tongue out when Gabe laughed.

“Couldn’t help myself,” he said, handing another plate over–

Something exploded outside, and the plate slipped from his hand, clattering to the floor, Gabriel’s every sense thrown into high alert as his heart hammered against his chest.

No–- _shit_ , nothing exploded, they were in a quiet neighborhood outside of the arts’ district-–they got helicopter fly-overs looking for fugitives sometimes, but not  _explosions_. He knew this. But the rest of his brain wasn’t quite on the same page.

“Shit,” he breathed, placing his hands on the counter to stop them shaking. “Okay. Okay…”

He took a moment, trying to calm his pounding heart when he heard a very, very quiet--

“Are you okay?”

He looked over, and met Jesse’s wide, panicked eyes.

“I…yeah, I will be.” He attempted a smile, though he wasn’t sure how successful he was at it. Jesse stared at him, wringing his drying rag between his hands. “I just…sometimes sounds…what was that, anyways?”

“A car, I think,” Jesse mumbled.

“Ah.” He nodded, steadily righting himself. He dried off his hands. He shut off the sink. One step at a time. “I’m going to take a break.”

“Okay…”

He bent down to pick up the plate he’d dropped, and got it about a foot off the ground before it slipped out of his hand again, rattling on the tile.

“Christ-–” he cursed, putting a hand over his face. No. He refused to lose his temper in front of Jesse, especially over something so pointless. But his emotions were broiling right under the surface, it was taking everything to keep up even the unconvincing facade of calm.

He opened his eyes, and Jesse stared at him for a few brief seconds before grabbing the plate off the ground, sticking it back in the sink, and taking Gabe’s sleeve, urging him towards the living room. He followed, content to take someone else’s suggestion, not even bothering to be curious as to what Jesse’s plan was.

Jesse sat him down on the couch and then curled up, leaning on him and huffing with a sense of finality.

Gabe stared at him. And then sighed, putting his arm around him and leaning back, Jesse scooting closer and settling against him. It wasn’t much, but he was grateful to have someone to wait this out with. He pat Jesse’s head in what was hopefully his usual comforting manner.

“Thanks,” he said, looking up at the ceiling. Then, because he really needed to know, “You know I would never hurt you, right?”

“Mm,” went Jesse.

“Good. That’s good…”

He sat up, and ran a hand over his face. He was coming back to it, starting to feel like he was actually sitting in his cluttered, dusty living room. Jesse helped. Jesse was new, and here, and doing better at keeping calm than Gabe was. Still, he felt bad putting this on him. The kid had enough to deal with.

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s been a while since that’s happened.” Honestly, he’d been holding out hope that maybe he’d finally gotten better, but…no. No, he  _was_  getting better. He just had a little ways left to go.

He’d freaked out. He’d handled it. He’d be okay.

“You were in the army?” Jesse said, the actual question in his voice different from the words he'd said.  _What was that? What happened?_

_What were you remembering?_

“Yeah,” said Gabe.

“Oh.” Jesse fidgeted with his sleeves, rolling the fabric between his fingers. “Do you feel better?”

“I do.” That was an easy answer. As to whether he was feeling  _alright_ , that was a different matter. “I think I’m going to be okay. Thanks to you.” He pulled him into a side-hug, patting his head before standing up, getting his phone out of his pocket. “Do you want pizza? I want pizza.” Either that or an entire box of donuts, but pizza was the easiest option that didn’t involve getting into a car in a less than lucid state.

He’d survived a flashback. He was going to stuff his goddamn face.

“Can we get pineapple?”

Gabe stared at him, thumb pausing over his screen.

“…I knew there was a reason I liked you.”

Jesse grinned.


	11. Chapter 11

Gabe set two plates on the counter--a glass of juice in front of one and a mug of coffee in front of the other--and stared at the empty seats. This was new. He’d knocked on Jesse’s door earlier and gotten a response, so presumably he was awake. Why hadn't he come to breakfast yet?

He took another sip of coffee before trying again, confronting Jesse’s closed door and tapping on it. “Hey,  _vaquero_ ,” he said, “you fall asleep?”

He waited.

No answer.

“I’m gonna open the door, okay?”

He waited, again. Again, no answer. So he turned the handle and opened the door, inch by inch, peering inside. Jesse was sitting on the bed, still in his pajamas, slouching over and looking despondent. He was up, though, so that was a plus.

Gabe let the door fall open and leaned against the frame. “Hey,” he said again, softer. “How’re you doing?”

“Mph,” went Jesse, pulling his knees to his chest. “Don’t wanna go to school.”

“I see,” said Gabe, noncommittally. “Do you think you could come eat breakfast?”

He thought about it for a moment, staring at the floor, and then got out of bed, limb by limb, shifting weight onto his own two feet with an almost tangible air of reluctance.

Gabe went back to the kitchen and sat down. A little bit later, Jesse followed.

They sat there in silence for a while, Gabe giving Jesse some time to eat his food, which he was, thankfully, doing. But they did eventually have to get to the matter at hand.

“So,” Gabe said, coming back from fetching his second cup of coffee, “What’s going on?”

Jesse was in the process of mushing an egg under his fork, turning it into an unidentifiable mess.

“I dunno,” he said, eyes already glistening, “Just feel like shit.”

“And going to school will make it worse?”

He nodded, sniffling.

Gabe hummed contemplatively. And then, in the least accusatory tone he could manage; “Why do you think that is?”

His face scrunched up, and Gabe took a quick moment to grab the box of tissues from the coffee table behind them.

“I dunno,” Jesse said again, wiping his face, “It’s stupid.”

“That’s okay. It’s still important.”

Jesse huffed. And sniffled. “Just…people. People…talking to me and…looking at me. I just…” He shook his head, and pressed a wad of tissues to his face. “I d-don’t wanna.”

Gabe sighed, scratching at his beard. He had absolutely no idea what Jesse was talking about, but he didn’t tend to bring stuff like this up lightly. Whatever it was, he was probably feeling even worse than he was letting on.

“Okay,” he said. “I won’t make you go to school.”

Jesse nodded, mood unchanged.

“I’d like it if you came to work with me, though. I won’t make you talk to anyone, I just don’t want you to be stuck here alone while you’re feeling like this.”

Jesse kicked at the counter, lightly-–more of a light tap of his toes as he thought about it. “Sounds boring.”

“Yeah, probably. But there’s not a lot at home that you can’t do there, anyways. You can watch netflix on my laptop, if you want.”

Tap. Tap. Tap.

“How many people’d you say you worked with?” he asked, to the countertop.

“There’s five in the office. Six if you count me. But we’ve all got our own spaces, you can sit in the corner of mine and no one will bother you.” He paused, and added, once again; “If that’s what you want.”

Jesse suddenly stilled, his frown shifting to a look of realization.

“…okay,” he said.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll go with you.”

He slid off the stool, taking his handful of damp tissues with him.

“…Alright,” Gabriel said even if suspicious of his change of heart. “Fifteen minutes?”

Jesse nodded. “Fifteen minutes.”

…odd.

But he’d take it.

* * *

Jesse stuck close to Gabriel’s side, hiking his backpack up on his shoulder as he peered around the dingy gray building from underneath the brim of his hat. He felt kind of stupid wearing it out, but his dad hadn’t said anything, and…it was fun. So he brought it.

The building Gabriel worked in was a huge gray block of a thing, but apparently his office was only in a small section of it. They walked down a few hallways before finally getting to the right door, Gabriel badging in and holding it open for Jesse.

The layout was completely ridiculous. They’d stepped into a cramped hallway (Jesse could probably touch both walls if he stretched his arms out. Well…close enough, at least) extending right and left, and there were offices on either side–to the right, it looked like the hallway ended at an open doorway. There was a dim light on and it seemed like someone was in there, but he couldn’t see who it was from where he was standing. To the left, there was an office mirroring it, uninhabited, and the hallway continued, turning to the right. Gabriel walked into the dark office and switched a lamp on.

“This is where I spend my days,” he said, sweeping an arm over the area. There was a desk with chairs on either side of it, like he took meetings in there. There was a metal shelf. There was a file cabinet. And that lamp, of course.

“This is sad,” said Jesse, dropping his backpack in what seemed to be the guest chair.

“Yeah,” agreed Gabriel. “I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with a cubicle.”

“Uh-huh…” He glanced over the desk, at the picture frames turned away from him, and Gabriel moved to answer his question before he even asked it, picking up one of the frames and turning it around so Jesse could see.

“This is  _mi mamá_ ,” he said. She was a squat woman with long black hair. The next one; “Here’s all of us. Those are my little sisters,” he named them, from tallest to shortest, “Diana, Naomi, and Isabella.” The middle one looked more like this mom, the other two like Gabriel, with darker skin and curly hair. Maybe he took after his dad.

The next photo was bigger, and obviously professionally photographed. “This is one of Diana’s graduation photos,” Gabriel explained. That made sense. She was made up really nicely.

His dad didn’t put this one down immediately, instead looking at it a moment longer, smiling softly. “We were all really proud of her.”

He didn’t explain the last photo on the desk, instead pointing to a little potted cactus that was sitting next to them. It was a few inches tall and looked mostly like a pointy, squat cucumber.

“And that’s…you.”

Jesse stared at the cactus. Then at Gabriel. Then back at the cactus again, drawing his eyebrows together.  _What?_

Gabriel laughed, lightly. “I wanted something to remind me of you, and I know you don’t like pictures. So I bought a cactus.” He paused, rubbing the back of his neck. “It…made sense at the time.”

“Oh,” went Jesse. He reached over and picked up the little ceramic pot, carefully turning it to examine every side of the plant. They all looked pretty much the same. “Um…thanks.” He set it back down, feeling his face grow warm. It meant a lot to him, actually. He just didn’t know how to say it. “What about this one?”

He picked up the picture that Gabriel hadn’t. He recognized Gabriel and Ana in it, but there were two other people. One was a giant of a man, with long blonde hair tied into a ponytail. The other one looked like Captain America and was Gabriel’s height, almost exactly. It was easy to tell because he had an arm around Gabriel’s shoulders and was pressing a kiss to his temple, Gabriel making a half-amused, half-disgusted face. They both had glass bottles in their hands, which answered at least one question.

“That’s from last year’s holiday party,” Gabriel told him, reluctance clear in his voice.

“This is him,” said Jesse, grinning suddenly.

“Yeah,” sighed Gabriel. “That’s him.”

Jesse rocked up onto his toes for a moment, practically vibrating with giddy energy and not sure how to release it. His dad had a crush on a  _guy_.  _This_  guy. His  _dad._  It was unbearably cute and-–he hadn’t ever really been around gay people before, that he knew of. It was…nice. That he could tease Gabriel about this and that Gabriel called him Jesse. It was really really nice.

He set the picture back down at the desk, and flapped his hands for a moment before pressing them together, and then holding them to one side of his face.

“Can I meet him?” he asked, pleading expression interrupted by a persistent smile.

Gabriel rolled his eyes, half-smiling, and tapped the brim of Jesse’s hat, tilting it downwards. “Yeah, yeah,” he went. “At least let me introduce you to everyone else first.”

Jesse nodded, fixing his hat, and hurried after Gabriel as he left his office, continuing down the hallway which, after a stretch, turned again to the right. He passed several offices–-three, in fact, before stopping at the one which seemed to be the center of the weird snail-shell layout of the space.

Gabriel leaned into the dark doorway, frowning before switching a light on. There wasn’t anyone in there. But there were a lot of plants.

“Huh,” went Gabriel, switching the light back off. “Well, that’s Liao’s office.” Evidently, they weren’t there.

Their next stop was right behind them. There were no plants in this office. There was, however, a brick of a man sitting at a desk, focused on something on his screen.

“Hey, Torbjorn,” Gabriel greeted, leaning in the doorway. Jesse stood halfway behind him. “Do you know where Liao’s at?”

“Does anyone ever?” the man grumbled, before actually looking up at them. He frowned at Jesse. “Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

Gabriel looked down at him and smiled, patting his hat. “He’s taking the day off,” he explained–-Jesse’s heart fluttered, still not used to the rare joy of hearing himself talked about in third person.  _He_.

“Yeah,” Jesse confirmed, quietly.

“Hmph,” went Torbjorn. “Well, it’s nice to meet you.” He didn’t sound like it was nice to meet him, but Jesse wasn’t one to talk about tone of voice.

“Nice to meet you,” Jesse mumbled back.

The next office, as they made their way counter-clockwise around the snail shell, was home to the giant from the photograph. He was considerably more sociable than…well, anyone Jesse had ever met before, probably.

“Jesse!” the man exclaimed, the moment they stepped into his doorway. He stood up and walked over, before kneeling to get anywhere near Jesse’s height. “I’m Reinhardt. I’ve heard so much about you–-it’s great to finally meet you!”

“Uh, hi,” went Jesse, a little dumbstruck. He didn’t know people this tall even  _existed_.

“Would it be alright if I gave you a hug?”

Jesse blinked, brain fizzling at the very thought. He might disappear entirely.

He managed to stick out a hand in answer, and Reinhardt grinned, shaking it. His hand did, in fact, disappear entirely.

“I hope to see you more often, Jesse,” he said, even his conversational tone loud in the small room. “Maybe Gabriel will finally invite us over.”

Gabriel huffed, amused. “As long as Jesse being there will keep you from drinking.”

Ana was next, and she met them preemptively, already leaning in her doorway as they turned the corner to see her.

“Jesse,” she said, smiling. “It is good to see you again.”

“You too,” he responded, fidgeting with his fingernails. “Um…how’s Fareeha?”

“Oh, she’s doing quite well. She was delighted when she heard the news about you.”

“Yeah?” He flushed, rubbing the back of his neck and grateful for the wide brim of his hat.

“Mhm…she keeps asking when we’ll visit Uncle Gabriel’s again. I think she wants to see you.”

“Oh…” He blinked at the floor, dazed. “I…I’d like that. Ma’am.”

She laughed, lightly. “Aren’t you the charmer?” she said, “You should teach Gabriel a thing or two.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes, and hit her arm, lightly. “Come on, Jesse,” he said. “Last stop.”

They walked to the office across from Gabriel’s, with its dim light, and Gabriel knocked on the door frame, leaning in. “Hey, Jack,” he said. “Have a second?”

Jesse leaned in beside him, peering curiously into the office. It looked a lot like Gabriel’s.

The man–-Jack, evidently-–turned to look at them and smiled, a little crooked, though his teeth were not. “Gabe,” he greeted in return, standing up and walking over to meet them. “What’s this I’ve been hearing about Jesse?”

_‘Gabe?’ No one_ else _calls him ‘Gabe.’_

“He decided to come meet everyone,” Gabriel said, looking down at him. Jack, however, did not, and Jesse flushed, not quite sure how to read this situation.

“Um,” he went, quietly, and this caught Jack’s attention. He finally looked at him. Well,  _towards_  him. His clear blue eyes were unfocused, as if he was staring right past him.

Right. Gabriel had mentioned one of his coworkers being blind, hadn’t he.

“Hi,” Jesse said, confidence bolstering a little now that he had sussed out the situation.

“I’m Jack. You might have guessed.” He held out a hand. Jesse shook it. “And…” he glanced over his shoulder, “Bastion’s here, somewhere…”

“I think she’s still under your desk,” Gabriel supplied.

“Ah.” He turned towards his desk and crouched down, whistling shortly and holding out a hand. “C’mere, girl.”

There was a jingle of metal, and a dog appeared, wagging her tail and licking Jack’s hand. “Here she is,” he said, grinning and rubbing her ears. “This is Bastion, my service dog.” She was a golden retriever. Well…a copper retriever. She was more red than yellow. “You’re not allowed to bother her while her harness is on, but she’s usually off duty while I’m around the office.” He gestured to a corner where a strange contraption lay, more or less a long handle with a bunch of straps on it.

Jack turned to face him, raising his eyebrows. “Do you like dogs?”

Jesse had to remind himself to do more than nod. “Yeah,” he answered.

So Jack stood up, and gestured at Jesse. “Who’s that?” he asked Bastion, who walked over to him happily. Jesse stuck his hand out for her to sniff, but she forgoed that entirely, instead leaning on his legs and wagging her tail.

He laughed, and pat her side, scratching at her when she leaned even further on him.

“What a good girl,” he cooed, grinning.

“She is a  _very_  good girl,” Jack agreed, tone almost serious. He turned to Gabriel, leaving Jesse to the dog-–though he was more than capable of petting her  _and_  listening to their conversation. “Did you need something from me?”

“I was just introducing Jesse to everyone.”

“Weren’t you going to ask him something?” Jesse piped up, innocently.

Gabriel bristled, shoulders squaring. “ _Jesse_ ,” he chided.

Jesse laughed, and shrugged, letting Bastion trot over to sniff at Gabriel instead.

“Am I missing something?” Jack asked, raising his eyebrows.

“No,” answered Gabriel, immediately. Then, “Well. Yes, but…it’s nothing. Jesse's being mean to me.”

“You poor thing,” went Jack, smiling all squinty-eyed.

Gabriel huffed, crossing his arms. “I should probably get to work,” he said, looking over at Jesse. “What about you, kid? Are you coming back with me?”

He thought about the panic he could cause simply by choosing to stay and pet the dog. It was kind of fun to have something to hold over Gabriel’s head like this.

But…he wouldn’t. Because he knew Gabriel would never do that to him.

“Sure,” he said, stepping over to Gabriel’s side and heading back with him after they said their temporary farewells. Once they stepped into the hallway, Gabriel flicked the brim of Jesse’s hat, huffing. Jesse managed to catch it before it fell off, giggling.

“He calls you  _Gabe._ ”

“He’s…friendly,” was Gabriel’s weak defense. He sat down at his desk, and Jesse cleared off a spot on the other side of it, pulling the other chair up to sit across from him. He took his math workbook out of his backpack, figuring he’d at least give it a good staring at before switching to something else.

“…Jesse.”

“Hm?”

“I really don’t think I’m ready to talk to him yet.”

He looked up, and was met with Gabriel’s sincere, pleading eyes.

“Aw, I was just having fun,” Jesse explained, flushing. “I won’t actually…y’know. It’d be a shitty way of repaying you for…for everything.”

Gabriel sighed, sitting back in his chair. “You don’t owe me anything, Jesse,” he said. “But thank you.”

Jesse nodded, and ducked his head, hiding his red face behind the brim of his hat. He was being kind of a shithead, wasn’t he.

He would just focus on his homework.

* * *

It was surprising how much he could get done without a time pressure looming over him. It was nice, sitting with Gabriel and each focusing on their own thing, working through problems and getting to decide whether or not he wanted to go on to the next one. He got through three whole pages this way, before finally succumbing to the promise of a fuzzy animal waiting in the next room.

“I’m gonna go see the dog,” he mumbled, sliding off the chair and walking down the hallway. He stuck his head into Jack’s office, and Bastion was laying in front of the desk this time. She looked at him, and lifted her tail, wagging it slightly. She gave a gentle  _wuff_  over the strange mutters of Jack’s computer.

Jack looked up at the doorway, and Jesse couldn’t help his flush. “Uh,” he went. “Can I play with Bastion?”

“Sure,” Jack responded, expression switching from curiosity to a friendly smile. “If she’s up for it. There should be some chew toys on the shelf next to the door.”

Jesse stepped in, and spotted a shoebox on the shelf containing a variety of dog toys, some more worn than others. He picked one up and squeezed it. It squeaked.

Bastion lifted her head up, and Jesse grinned. “Do you want this, girl?” he said, waving the toy at her. She stood up and wagged her tail, so he tossed it a little to the side of her. She caught it, deftly, and brought it back. “Aww, look at you,” he cooed, scratching at her chest. He sat on the floor and played a few rounds of fetch with her in the cramped space, before carefully tossing the toy into the hallway, watching Bastion barrel down the corridor and run back, stepping in his lap to return the toy directly to his face. “Okay, I get it, I get it,” he giggled, rubbing her ears.

He even, after a few tries, managed to roll a ball into Gabriel’s office, and watched as Bastion ran over only to abandon it and step behind Gabriel’s desk to distract him. Gabriel pat her a few times, and tossed the ball back.

“So, um,” Jesse tried, glancing at Jack out of the corner of his eye. “How long have you known my dad?”

The office fell silent, besides the jingling of Bastion’s collar.

“Hm,” went Jack. “It’s been…over ten years now. I met him after I enlisted.”

Jesse nodded. Then remembered to say, “Oh.” Bastion laid down next to him, and he stroked her back. “How’d you end up working together?”

“We wanted to. We both…” He paused, tilting his head like he was acknowledging a point no one had made. “I think we both came out of our service with some pretty similar views. We went our different ways for college, but it just…I don’t know. We knew we’d need a place to live after we graduated. Hopefully somewhere cheap with a decent amount of work, and…we ended up here.” He shrugged, leaning back in his chair. “Honestly, it was mostly his plan, but I was ready to go anywhere as long as it meant getting away from…from home. So I think it worked out.”

“You must be really close, then.”

Jack smiled. “He’s my best friend,” he said, easily. “I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Jesse tried his best not to make an exasperated noise.  _Come on, Dad._  “So he could do basically anything and you’d still want to be friends with him.”

Jack’s smile turned questioning, and a little amused. “I mean…yeah, more or less. Why?”

“I ‘unno.” He tossed the chew toy again, and Bastion ignored it. He still had one more question to ask, but following up with it immediately would make his angle stupidly obvious, so he tried to think of literally anything else to talk about.

“How, uh…how long have you had Bastion for?”

Jack’s computer did its mumbling thing for a moment as he did something with the keyboard. “About…three years, now?” he said. “Yeah, I got her pretty soon after I moved here. I can get around fine with my cane, but…it’s nice to have someone else at the house.”

Jesse leapt at the opportunity. “You don’t have a girlfriend?”

Significant pause. “No.”

“Oh. Should I have said ‘boyfriend?’ “

A more significant pause. Actually, the air in the room grew tense, and Jesse would have regretted posing the question if he wasn’t so invested in the answer. Jack ran a thumb over the edge of his keyboard, frowning.

“I don’t know if that’s something you ask to someone you just met, Jesse,” he said, and no amount of polite phrasing could disguise the disapproval in his voice.

Jesse flushed, heart twisting at the social misstep, but… _but_.

He couldn’t help but notice that the answer hadn’t been  _no_. That would’ve been any straight person’s response, right? Just a “no?” Unless they were super offended by it, but he couldn’t imagine anyone who was willing to call him “Jesse” would be offended at the concept of gay people.

“Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t wanna assume…”

Jack just went back to his work, basically ignoring him, and Jesse showed himself the door, muttering a quiet “See ya’” to dismiss the discomfort of leaving so quietly.

He slunk back into Gabriel’s office, and sat himself in the guest chair.

Gabriel looked at him, and raised an eyebrow, suspicious at the change in attitude.

“So,” Jesse said, clearing his throat, “I asked if he’s gay.” 

Gabriel not-quite slammed his hands onto his desk, obviously exasperated. “ _Jesse_.”

“It just came up, I swear!”

Gabriel sighed, heavily, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead. Jesse stared at him for a long moment.

“…so d’you wanna know what he said.”

“Yes, yes I do,” was his immediate, if resigned, response.

“Well,” Jesse said, leaning forward and propping his elbows on the desk. “He didn’t say  _no_.”

Gabriel frowned, narrowing his eyes. “What did he say, then?”

“He said…well, he mentioned having a dog is nice so he’s not alone at home, so I asked him, ‘you don’t have a girlfriend, then?’ And he said ‘no,’ so I said, ‘should i have said “boyfriend,”’ and, uh…” he rubbed the back of his neck, blushing again. “I think he got a little mad, he said ‘that’s not something you should ask to someone you just met.’ But that’s not a ‘no,’ right?” He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “If he didn’t like guys he would have just said ‘no,’ right?”

Gabriel’s frown deepened, and he rubbed at his beard in thought. “…maybe,” he conceded. “But even if you’re right, he’s not comfortable with it. So I don’t know that that helps.” He bowed his head, sighing. “And it still wouldn’t mean he’s interested in  _me_.”

Jesse laid his head on the desk and groaned. “ _Daaaad…_ ”

“I know,” bemoaned Gabriel, “I’m sick of me, too.”

Jesse closed his eyes and sighed, deeply.

He’d figure this out eventually.

He  _had_  to.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya boi completely forgot to update, whoops
> 
> content warnings: descriptions of bullying & homophobia

He couldn’t say he was surprised when he got the call. It was bound to happen eventually, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t apprehensive when his phone buzzed to life and his lock screen informed him that the office at Jesse’s school was trying to reach him.

“ _I’m calling for Mr. Reyes?”_

“Speaking.”

“ _You need to come pick up your…child.”_

The hesitance and sudden decision to use a gender-neutral term didn’t escape him, and he was almost mad enough at that that he didn’t bother worrying over what had happened.

Almost.

“Is he okay?” he asked, putting just the slightest bit more emphasis on  _he_  than the sentence necessarily required.

“ _Yes_ ,” the voice on the other end answered, immediately. “ _We’ve already patched up what we could.”_

“What did he–”

“ _He got into a fight with another student. It’s mostly bumps and bruises, but we’re suspending him for the rest of the week. So you need to come get him.”_

“Yeah, alright, I got it,” he said, wrapping up what he was working on and locking his computer. “I’ll be about twenty minutes.”

* * *

The front office wasn’t a big room. He immediately spotted Jesse sitting in the back corner, curled up in a chair and glaring daggers at the floor. There was a big, square bandage on his forehead.

“Hey,” Gabe greeted the person at the desk. “I’m here to pick up Jesse?”

“Fill this out.” She pushed a clipboard over to him, and he filled out a line, providing the date, time, and names necessary. It felt uncomfortably like checking out a library book.

“Alright, Jesse,” he said, setting the pen down. “I’ve posted your bail.”

Jesse got up and stomped out, not bothering to look at him before he threw the front door open and left.

Gabriel glanced towards the back of the office, and caught the eye of another kid sitting in a back room, a scrawny beanpole of a thing, looking equally as beat up as Jesse, but without the righteous fire burning behind his eyes.

He just stared at Gabe for a moment, and then looked away. Gabe left.

Thankfully, Jesse hadn’t gone far. He was waiting on the front steps, shoulders squared and hands clenched into trembling fists.

Gabriel sighed, and knelt down next to him, gently taking his face between his hands. Jesse pulled away.

“I just want to see what the damage is,” he explained, softly.

“I’m fine.”

“Okay.” He wasn’t going to get him into a doctor’s office in this mood, anyways. “Nothing I can’t see, then? You don’t need a doctor?”

“No.”

So Gabe nodded, and stood up, heading towards the car. Jesse followed behind, eyes resolutely on the ground.

They got in. Jesse crossed his arms.

Gabe tapped his fingers against the steering wheel.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jesse glared at the dashboard. Gabriel gave him a moment.

“…I’d really like to know what happened,” he tried again. “If you can tell me.”

Jesse scowled, clutching at his sleeves, and ground his heel into the floor, eyes glistening in anger.

“He called me a faggot,” he said, voice grating, but steady. “So I kicked his ass.”

The blood ran from Gabriel’s face. He sat back, taking a deep breath as his fingers curled around the steering wheel in a vice grip.

Jesse wiped at his eyes, wincing as he brushed a bruise.

“Shit,” Gabriel breathed, trying to keep calm. “I don’t blame you.” He’d weathered his fair share of abuse at that point in his life, most of it with a level head, but the fact that someone went after his fucking  _kid–_

“I just,” Jesse started, voice shaking as his wall of anger crumbled to pieces, “He shouldn’t. He doesn’t get to call me that.” He sniffed, and opened the glove box to grab that pack of tissues. “And they just said, you can’t–-that doesn’t mean you can punch people, and now w-we’re  _both_  suspended like, like it wasn’t h- _him_  who started it, and…” he grit his teeth, scuffing his feet against the floor of the car. “It’s not  _fair_.”

“You’re right,” said Gabe. “You’re completely right, and I’m sorry this happened.” He sighed, letting go of the steering wheel. “I’m  _mad_  that this happened. And we’re going to talk more about this later, and I’m going to call the school to talk to them about it, if you’re okay with that.”

Jesse nodded.

He was going to have to talk to Jesse about authority, and school, and the difference between something being fair and something being enforced, and how there were some times in your life where the best thing to do was back away with your tail between your legs and yell about it later, because sometimes safety is more important than pride, and he was going to see Jesse through school if it was the last thing he did.

But he could start by showing him that the world could be a little bit fairer if you just put some effort into it.

“Alright. But, for now…” he turned the car on. “How do you feel about ice cream? Cupcakes? Clothes? We could go see a movie, if you want.”

Jesse gave a feeble laugh, leaning against the car door. “I dunno if we should go anywhere with me looking like this.”

Gabe frowned, glancing over his bruises. “That’s a good point.”

Jesse squinted at him. “Don’t you have work?”

“I can take a half-day.” He shrugged. “Is this you saying that you just want to go home? Because I can drop you off there, too.”

He leaned his head against the window, staring out at the featureless parking lot. “Maybe…a drive-through, first…”

Gabe grinned. “Alright,” he said. “We can do that.”


	13. Chapter 13

It was Ana that brought up the idea, which was odd, but not unwelcome. Gabe was sitting in the living room, Jesse’s feet in his lap, when his phone dinged. And then dinged again, at which point he huffed and checked it. He didn’t get many messages. Jack, unsurprisingly, preferred phone calls, and he saw everyone else at the office often enough that there wasn’t much to say on the weekends.

The first message was a link. The next; “ _I know it’s not LA, but it might be good for Jesse.”_

He tapped the message, and was lead to an information page about the local pride parade.

Oh. Right. That. He hadn’t been to the one in this city yet. He never had anyone to go with, and going alone tended to inspire…bad decisions. Certainly decisions that he was a little too old to keep making.

But being there as a father would leave him no choice but being on his best behavior.

And, as Ana mentioned, it wasn’t going to be anything like the crowd in Los Angeles, which was relieving, in a way. He’d feel better about taking Jesse to a smaller event.

“Hey, Jesse,” he said, lifting his leg a little to jostle his feet. “You have any interest in going to the pride parade next weekend?”

Jesse broke his attention away from the television, eyes wide and curious. “I…I dunno,” he said, fiddling with his collar. “What’s it like?”

Gabe shrugged. “I haven’t been to the one here,” he admitted. “But…there’s usually a lot of glittery floats and confetti cannons…mostly I just like being surrounded by queer people. It’s not that often you get to feel such a strong sense of community.”

“Oh.” He looked away, frowning. “How long is it?”

“About an hour. Probably two if you count getting there and getting out.” They were most certainly not attending any of the after-parade activities, so that cut down on the length significantly. “But we could leave at any time.”

“Hm…”

Jesse turned back to the TV. Gabe gave him a moment before tapping at his ankle, preventing him from being consumed by what was no doubt an intriguing commercial. “You need some time to think about it, or is that a ‘no?’”

“Um,” he went, looking at the floor instead. “I guess we can go, for a little bit…” Then he sat up, smiling. “You should ask Jack if he wants to come.”

“Jesse,” Gabe sighed, his automatic reaction to anything Jesse urged him to do with regards to his best friend.

But.

He frowned, and thought about it. It’s not like he hadn’t asked Jack to hang out with him on weekends before, obviously, and there were plenty of people who brought their straight friends along to pride. It was  _fun,_  and he was well aware Jack didn’t get out of the house much.

And, if Jesse was right, and he really was struggling to accept himself, then…it might help. Gabriel tried his best not to hold any selfish hopes in that regard.

“That’s,” he said, slowly, “not actually a bad idea.”

“ _Not actually_ ,” Jesse huffed. “Gee, thanks, Dad."

* * *

This was a bad idea.

He’d been sitting at his desk with his head in his hands ever since he’d heard Jack come into the office–-well, he’d heard Bastion, which was confirmation enough. He should go ask him before he got too involved in anything. But. Would he really want to go? Well–-it didn’t matter, obviously Gabriel was giving him the opportunity to say  _no_. People said no to invitations all the time, that was a normal thing people did. And it’s not like, no matter how much Jesse was trying to twist it, he was actually asking him on a date. It was an outing. With friends. Though would the context reveal Gabe’s intentions? If it did, would it matter? Yes, if Jack turned him down. But–-

Aw, fuck, did blind people even get anything out of parades? Was it insensitive to ask? Was it insensitive to  _not_  ask? He shouldn’t assume anything, right? He–-

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” he muttered, running his hands down his face. He stood up before he could convince himself otherwise, walked down the hallway, and planted himself in Jack’s doorway, ignoring the tightness in his chest. Bastion eagerly came over to see him, her harness already in the corner, Jack sitting at his desk with his chin resting on a hand. Not too busy, then.

“Good morning, Jack,” he greeted, before bending down to give Bastion the attention she was pretending to be starved for.

“Morning, Gabe,” he answered. “How’s Jesse?”

“Good. Well, all things considered.” They all knew about Jesse getting suspended, though Gabe had left out the exact details. It didn’t seem like his story to tell. “We’re actually, uh, planning on going to pride next weekend. You wanna come with?”

Jack looked…mildly surprised, which wasn’t entirely a bad reaction. Hopefully.

“The parade?”

“Yeah. The…parade.”

“Oh. Hm.”

Jack fiddled with his phone, and Gabe had to consciously prevent himself from adding any qualifications to that statement.  _I didn’t know if; It’s fine if you; I just thought–-_

He’d asked. Jack was thinking. That’s just where his life was at right then.

“Okay,” he said.

Gabe raised his eyebrows. “Okay?”

“Yeah. Sounds fun.”

There was something uncertain in Jack’s tone, but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Okay,” Gabe went, once more. “Cool.”

_'Cool?' Really?_ Jack had to know something was up at this point, but he was polite enough not to mention it. “While I’m here, any plans for lunch today?” That was normal enough, and would offer him welcome relief from the subject at hand.

“Nope. I’m all yours, Gabe.”

He tried his best to ignore the heat creeping up his neck at that particular phrasing.

“Uh-–Right. See you then.”

This was getting out of hand.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY VALENTINES IM BAD AT UPDATING

Jack just  _had_  lawn chairs, because of course he did. When Gabriel pulled into his driveway to pick him up, Jesse sitting in the backseat fiddling with his phone, he found Jack standing in his mostly bare garage, hands searching over the contents of a metal shelf.

“Looking for something?” he asked, stepping in.

“Yeah, I thought I had some chairs we could use…do you see them anywhere?”

“Oh, uh…”

It turned out they were stuck between some boxes and the wall, which was a perplexing place for them to be. There were only two, but they could switch off if needed. Gabriel couldn’t imagine Jesse sitting still for too long, anyways.

“Why do you even have these?” he asked, laughing as they tossed them into the trunk.

“Couldn’t tell you, honestly.”

“Huh.”

* * *

For all of Jesse’s reservedness, he ended up agreeing–-almost insisting-–that they leave early. There was a kind of festival beforehand, mostly just shaded tables set up along the main street of the gay district, but they were worth checking out. Especially for someone who had never had a chance to before.

Gabe glanced behind him as they left the parking lot. At Jack, gripping his shoulder (for practicality’s sake-–but that didn’t stop it from being just a little distracting), and Jesse, who was staring wide-eyed at everything from a safe distance of one pace behind him.

Well, apparently he was leading this merry band of misfits.

“The street’s already covered in glitter,” he remarked, mostly for Jack’s sake, as he started down one row of the booths.

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m dead serious.”

The tables on their end of the street were mostly run by friendly people trying to get everyone signed up for mailing lists. Gabe was happy to stop and talk to them, and even wrote his email down a few times-–they were good causes, after all, and he felt woefully disconnected from the community. He could tell Jesse was growing bored with it, though, despite the piles of free candy that made an appearance every once and a while.

And Jack was just…quiet. It was strange. Usually he was the one ready with a smile and small talk for strangers, but maybe this was just too far out of his element.

Hopefully he didn’t regret coming with them.

Gabe let Jesse lead them out of the rows of sign-up sheets and down to the much flashier stands and their colorful merchandise. Flags, buttons, stickers, pins, t-shirts with questionably appropriate wordplay. Jesse peered from under the brim of his hat at everything eye-level, almost suspiciously.

“What do all these colors mean?” he asked.

“Oh,” went Gabe. “They’re the…there’re different pride flags that represent different identities. The rainbow one is the gay pride flag, though it’s used a lot for the community as a whole, and then…” he looked around, and found a display of small flags on a table. “Here. This one is the bi flag, the trans flag…” he trailed off, staring at unfamiliar colors. “I don’t know what some of these are, actually,” he admitted. “I’m sure there’s a guide around here somewhere.”

Jesse picked up one of the trans flags and looked at it, frowning in consideration.

He put it back down and went to look at other things.

“He’s  _fascinated_ ,” Gabe noted, turning to Jack as Jesse stepped out of earshot. Jack smiled. It wasn’t as relaxed an expression as it could have been.

“Yeah?” he said. “Well, this is all pretty new to him, right?”

“As far as I know.”

“Hm.”

Gabe looked at the display closest to him, yet another assortment of things done up with bold, colorful stripes. One in particular stuck out to him as strange.

“There’s a flag with an animal print,” he pondered, resigning himself to the embarrassment of his confusion becoming public in order to pull Jack into this mystery.

“A footprint?”

“Yeah, like…” He would never claim to be an expert on nature. “A bear, maybe?”

“A bear,” repeated Jack, though in a different tone this time, like Gabe was missing something obvious. “It’s a bear flag.”

“Yeah,” went Gabe. Then, “ _Oh_.” He laughed, putting a hand over his face. “Oh, god. Okay.” He looked over at Jack, who had only allowed himself the barest huff of laughter, but at least he looked a little bit more at ease. “What do you think, Jack? Do I need a bear pride flag?”

The pink tint of Jack’s ears made the comment more than worth it. “Uh,” he went. “I-–do you?”

“I dunno, I might need to grow out my beard a little more.” He scratched at it, since his mind was there. He probably needed to trim it, actually.

Jack frowned. Gabe raised his eyebrows at him, for what good it did. “What?” he said. “Bad idea?”

Apparently that wasn't the issue. “You have a beard?”

Gabe blinked. “Yes?” he said. “Have I…have I not mentioned it at all for the last three years? Look–”

He took Jack’s hand and guided it to his jaw, and Jack raised his eyebrows when he felt the bristles. He brought his other hand up, too, running his thumbs over Gabriel’s facial hair, feeling out the shape of it. Gabriel tried not to flush at the attention, and definitely tried not to think about how everyone around them had every reason to believe they were a couple. He had mixed feelings about that.

“What else have you been hiding from me?” he asked, half-grin finally returning as he moved his hands up, tracing over the scars on Gabe’s face, his eyebrows, bumping into the brim of his beanie–”Oh, good, you’re still wearing that, at least.”

He latched onto the topic like a lifeline. “Yep. It’s the same goddamn one, too.”

“Seriously?” Jack took it off him to run his hands over it, feeling the material. “Getting a little thin, don’t you think?”

“You leave my hat alone,” Gabe answered in mock anger as he snatched it away and put it back on. “I can patch it up if I need to.”

Jack laughed, shaking his head. “I’m going to buy you a new one. Then I’m going to throw that one away so you never wear it again.”

“Just tell yourself I got rid of it, you’ll never know the difference.”

“I hate you,” he said, as Jesse circled back around to that part of the booth.

“I leave y’all alone for one minute,” said Jesse, flatly, before taking Gabe’s sleeve and urging him onward.

“Guess we’re headed to the next one,” he announced, glancing at Jack. Jack nodded, and put a hand on his shoulder, still clutching his folded up, unused cane with the other. Jesse led their train of people to the next booth.

It looked a lot like the last one. Jesse seemed to think so, too, with how quickly he glanced over most of the merchandise–but there was something in particular that caught Gabe’s eye, displayed in a jumble of other things pinned to a display hanging in the corner of the tent.

He nudged Jesse to get his attention, and then glanced at Jack, raising his eyebrows. Jesse stared at him for a second as he processed this–-but quickly grinned, nodding and walking over to Jack.

“Hey, Mom,” he said, tapping Jack’s arm–-Gabe flushed, and huffed, half-amused, but Jack let himself get led away, which meant his plan had worked.

Gabe pulled out his wallet, turning to the person running the stand. He pointed at one of the pins he had his eye on.

“Do you have one of these with the trans colors?”

“Yeah, I think so.” They looked around for a moment before ducking under their table to dig around. “Aha!” They emerged again, and held out the pin. “Here you go.”

Gabe grinned, handing over the necessary payment and taking the pin. “Perfect,” he said. “Thank you.”

He stepped back over to the two of them, Jack glancing vaguely in his direction. Something was… _off_  about his expression, but Gabriel couldn’t quite place it. Maybe he was worried about being left alone with Jesse? Well, in any case, Gabe was here to rescue him.

He held out his fist, closed around the pin, to Jesse. “Here,” he said, smiling. “Hold out your hand.”

Jesse stared at it, and froze. Evidently this wasn’t where he thought this was going. He blinked. He glanced at Jack, then Gabe, then back to his hand, flushing.

“Um,” he went, cupping his hands and holding them out uncertainly.

Gabe dropped the pin into them.

Jesse stared at it. He picked it up and looked it over.

“…can I ask?” Jack said, raising his eyebrows.

“It’s a, uh…” Jesse started. He sniffed. “A little…cowboy pin with the…trans colors.”

He ran a thumb over it, and then rubbed at his eyes, slipping the pin into his shirt pocket. “Mph,” he went. “Thanks, Dad.”

Jesse allowed him the briefest hug, stepping over and wrapping one arm around Gabe’s waist before scurrying off to the next booth.

Jack huffed, smiling. “A little shy to express gratitude, isn’t he?”

“Like either of us can talk.” He tapped Jack’s hand, and he reached up to take Gabe’s elbow so they could move on.

“I don’t know,” Jack said, “you’ve always been pretty open.”

Gabe’s stomach did an uncomfortable flip.

“Well…I try.”

* * *

The parade was fun. Jesse was excited, at least, which meant the whole endeavor was worthwhile. His face lit up every time someone walked by wearing a trans flag as a cape; he looked confused, but mostly curious at some of the more outlandish presentations people were displaying; he asked enough about the floats that Gabriel’s narration wasn’t just for Jack’s sake. He cowered behind Gabe’s chair a few times when some of the members of the parade came to hand things out, but mostly it was the happiest Gabe had seen him in quite a while.

Jack was still quiet. Maybe he was uncomfortable. Maybe he had something on his mind. But as much as he wouldn’t want to admit it out loud, Jack was kind of a secondary objective here. If he had something to say, they could talk about it later.

They found their way back to the car after the parade was over, their group finally fallen silent as Jesse had worn himself out and was more than content to curl up in the back seat and close his eyes.

“I’m going to drop Jesse off, and then I’ll take you back to yours. Sound good?”

“Sounds good,” Jack agreed, flatly. Then, after a second, “Ah,” he shook his head, waving a hand, “no, I won’t make you-–I’ll call an Uber.”

“You sure? It’s not a problem.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure.”

“Alright.”

He turned at the next corner, grateful all of the traffic was flowing in the opposite direction. It was a mess, but they’d get out of there soon. With any luck, they’d be back before the sun went down.

Gabe glanced over. “Hey, Jack?”

“Hm?”

“You seem kind of off.”

Jack stared towards the dashboard for a few seconds. He shrugged. He turned away. “I’ve got a lot on my mind,” he said.

“Well, let me know if you need somewhere else to put it.”

This got him to crack a smile, at least. “Sir, yes, sir,” he answered, wryly. A joke, if one could call it that, from their army days. He’d take it.

The rest of the ride passed in silence, Jack staring out the window. He tended to get stare-y when he was tired–-something about the little bit he could still see–-but he’d never exactly explained why. Gabe hoped it was comforting, whatever it was.

He roused Jesse from the backseat once they got back and made it inside, Jesse crawling off to his bedroom with a yawn and Jack taking a seat at the counter, finding his way around Gabriel’s house as easy as if it was his own.

“Want something to drink?”

“Nah, the car will probably be here soon.”

“Alright.”

He took a seat next to him, leaning on the counter. Jack smiled, almost like he was finally relaxing. Almost.

“You’re doing good by that kid, Gabe.”

He glanced at Jesse’s room. “Well, I’m doing my best.”

Jack shook his head in some kind of resignation. “What about you? How have you been?”

“Me?” he said, where he may have just raised his eyebrows for someone else. “I’ve been…good.” He was almost surprised that was the answer. Months ago, he’d decided that taking in a kid would be worth whatever stress it would put on him, but it wasn’t hard to see that Jesse had brought way more to his life than he’d taken out.

Jack nodded. He tapped his short nails on the counter. He sighed.

“Hey, Gabe?”

It would have been hard to miss the nerves rolling off him in waves. Gabe tried his best to sound completely neutral about that fact.

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course,” he answered, easily. He hoped that was a given, and Jack was merely stalling for time.

“Alright.” He fidgeted, cleared his throat, and finally said, voice only barely shaking; “I…like men.” He flushed, hanging his head. “I’m gay. I’ve…never told anyone.”

Gabriel blinked. He tried to think of a response as to not let the silence hang too long. Jack looked incredibly uncomfortable–-hunched over with his hands folded on the counter, looking away.

“Okay,” is what he settled on. He reached out and gripped Jack’s shoulder, smiling. “Hey,” he went, lightly-–Jack relaxed the slightest amount, turning towards him. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Yeah,” mumbled Jack. He ran a hand through his hair, and then sat up, sighing deeply. “God, I wish I had done that sooner.”

“Oh, yeah? Feeling better now?”

“ _Much_  better.” He even cracked a smile; a toothy, crooked grin, though there were still nerves behind it. “I don’t know why I…”

Jack's phone buzzed. He jumped, slightly, and pulled it out of his pocket, pressing the screen to have the notification read to him.

“Uh…why I was worrying…in the first place…looks like my driver’s here.”

“Oh.” Something about that made Gabriel’s chest feel tight, something-–this was a nice moment, and he thought he’d had more time. He  _needed_  more time, because he couldn’t let this go unsaid a moment longer.

Jack got up, and Gabe grabbed his arm, just enough to stop him. Jack looked towards him, eyebrows raising.

“Jack,” he said, standing up. “I…”

He let go, and glanced away.  _Okay, Gabriel. Out with it_. He had a time limit here.

“I know this isn't the best time to say this, but if I don’t, I…” He huffed, frowning. That wasn’t the point. “The reason Jesse said I should ask you to the parade…” Shit, that wasn’t the point, either, but it was getting around to it a lot quicker. “Is. Well. Because I was too chicken to ask you on a real date.”

There. Okay. He took a deep breath, steeling himself before looking at Jack again. His blue eyes were wide, ears pink.

Gabe shoved his hands in his pockets. “I know that just because you–”

“Gabe.”

Jack smiled. He  _smiled,_  and Gabriel’s nerves mixed with his affection in a way he wasn’t entirely sure he could handle. He swallowed, thickly.

“Yeah?”

“Ask me.”

He froze. He flushed, the room suddenly so much warmer. This couldn’t actually be happening, after…he didn’t want to think about how many years it had been.

“Do you,” he said, slowly, “want to…go to dinner sometime?”

“Yeah,” said Jack. “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”

“Oh,” went Gabe. There had to be something else he could say, but no other words were coming to him. He couldn’t do anything but stand there and stare.

Jack reached out, his hand finding Gabriel’s arm. He gripped it, briefly. “Let’s talk about this later, okay?”

“Okay.” He managed a smile, and it stuck. “Yeah, okay. See you later, Jack.”

“Later.” He left, unfolding his cane as he did so. Gabe knew it was for the driver’s sake. Jack could find his way out just fine without it.

He stared at Jack as he walked out, and kept staring at the door once it shut.

He’d really done it.

He’d really asked him out.

His brain had just about caught up with reality when a sudden “ _psst”_  from behind him startled him out of his thoughts. He jumped, and turned around to find Jesse standing behind the counter, grinning.

Gabriel gaped at him. “How long have you been there?”

Jesse shrugged, far from innocently, and scurried around to the other side of the counter to run into Gabe, catching him in a hug.

“You did it!” he exclaimed. Gabriel stared down at him for a second, and then laughed, all of the tension suddenly flooding out of him.

“I did it!” he agreed, wrapping his arms around Jesse and squeezing him tight-–and, in a fit of spontaneity, lifted him up and spun him around, just once. Jesse laughed, clinging to him for dear life, and Gabriel grinned along with him. “I did it,” he repeated, setting him down. “Oh, my god. I can’t believe it.”

Jesse stepped away, and crossed his arms. “See?” he said. “I told you so.”

Gabriel huffed, though his smile wouldn’t completely go away. “You did, didn’t you.” He ruffled Jesse’s short hair, earning a nose wrinkle in return. “What would I do without you, kid?”

“I dunno, probably be a hermit or something.”

Gabe rolled his eyes, and tapped Jesse’s forehead with his knuckle. “Alright, you’re pushing it,” he joked, and Jesse stuck his tongue out before pulling himself up onto a stool, sitting himself at the counter.

“I’m hungry,” he said.

The logical answer was probably something like, “It’s almost eight,” or, “There’s plenty of food in the fridge,” or maybe the ever relevant, “Hi hungry, I’m Dad,” but he was feeling generous, and as much as he realized Jesse was fully taking advantage of his starry-eyed state, he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“Alright, fine,” he said, stepping into the kitchen. “What’re you in the mood for?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big warning for self harm in this one

Being a light sleeper was one of those things people assumed Gabriel had picked up in the military. He’d never been eager to correct that point, so he generally didn’t. Didn’t tell them that he still woke up sometimes to a vague dread, frozen and listening for the sound of heavy footsteps against creaky wooden floors.

He hated that habit of his. But he had to admit it occasionally had its uses.

That night, he wasn’t sure what he’d woken up to. He blinked at the shadows of his ceiling, focusing on the silence around him. There had been something, hadn’t there? Or had he just dreamed it?

Then-–there. There was a knock at his bedroom door, hanging a few inches ajar. Though maybe ‘knock’ was too strong a word for that gentle tap-tap tapping.

He frowned, and tossed the covers back, going to investigate. “Jesse?”

It was, in fact, Jesse. He was standing there, arms cradled to his chest oddly, almost like he was guarding himself.

The second he saw Gabe, he started to cry.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes, “I’m s-sorry…”

“Jesse,” Gabe said, softly, hoarsely, kneeling down to look up at him. “Jesse-–it’s okay. What happened?”

Jesse sniffled, and hicced, and stood there trying to stem his tears for another long moment before he whimpered, and haltingly extended his arms, showing Gabriel his wrists.

They were lined with half a dozen incisions, dotted with beads of blood that looked black in the dim light.

It felt like a punch to the gut.

“Jesse,” he breathed, reaching for his wrists, stopping, not sure whether he should touch him-–“Oh, Jesse, no…”

“‘M sorry,” he said again, wiping his eyes. “I just…I j-just…” He whimpered, and Gabriel stood up, putting his arms around him. Jesse leaned forward, so he held him close.

“ _Mi valiente vaquerito_ ,” he muttered, rubbing his back. “I love you. I love you so much.”

He shut his eyes as his vision blurred.

They stood there for a minute until Jesse’s breaths were coming a little steadier, and Gabe stepped back, bending down to wipe the tears from his face. “Come on,” he said, tilting his head towards the bathroom. “Let’s get you patched up.”

Jesse tailed him to the bathroom quietly–-they both squinted when the light came on. Jesse sat on the edge of the bathtub as Gabe dug out all the disinfectants and bandages he hadn’t needed for years. He suffered through it all quietly, staring at his wrists as Gabriel bandaged them, hands steady. He’d patched up more wounds than he could count, all magnitudes worse than this, but none of them had ever left him feeling so helpless.

“There,” he said, once he was done. Jesse stood up, picking at the bandages.

“Thanks…”

Gabriel nodded, and stepped away, not wanting to block Jesse in to the small space, especially in light of his next question.

“Jesse,” he said, quietly. “Do you think you could tell me what you were feeling when you did that?”

He looked away, finding a spot on the floor to stare at. Gabriel gave him a few moments to respond before prompting, “I won’t make you if you don’t want to. But I think it’d be good for us to talk about it.”

“Mph,” went Jesse. He stared at his feet for another few seconds before grabbing Gabe’s wrist and leading him to the living room, sitting him down on the couch and curling up next to him.

He obligingly put his arm around Jesse, and waited.

It took a while, sitting in the silence of the early morning, Jesse fidgeting with the fabric of the couch cushion. But eventually, he mumbled, “…why can’t I be normal.” It was almost too quiet to hear. Gabriel hummed, rubbing his shoulder.

“What do you mean by normal?”

He huffed, butting his head against him. “You know,” he grumbled.

“I think I know. But I could be wrong.”

He plucked the fabric at his knees, sniffling again. “You always do this.”

“Do what?” If it was what he thought it was, that question was going to be a little grating-–but he’d take that risk.

“That!” Jesse huffed, “Act like y-you…don’t know what’s going on but I know you do. You always do.”

“I don’t  _always_  know,” he said, trying to keep his tone light. “I’d like to think I have a general idea, but you surprise me a lot. And you’re going through things I’ve never experienced before.” He ruffled Jesse’s hair, then smoothed it back down. “So I like to consult a Jesse expert every once and a while, and you’re the only one I know.” He tried a smile, tilting his head down at him. “What do you say? Do you feel like helping me out?”

Jesse gave him a look he hadn’t seen in a while, a red-eyed squint and a frown.

“You’re weird,” he said.

He just shrugged, letting the silence hang.

Jesse stared at him. Then he looked away. And finally sighed, and flopped over on him, head bumping against his shoulder.

“I don’t wanna be a girl,” he grumbled. “I don’t want to be stupid. I don’t…” He huffed, rubbing at his eyes. “I just. Wanna be like the other kids. I want to have a mom and a dad and-–” His voice was strained as he continued, pulling his knees closer to his chest. “And. F-friends. And. I just…” he shrugged, a resigned drop of the shoulders. “Why do. Why do I have to…be so fucked up. It’s not fair.”

Gabriel nodded, sighing. There wasn’t a whole lot he could say to that, was there? “It’s not fair,” he agreed. “No one should have to go through this. Least of all you.” He ran a hand over the back of his neck, wondering where to go from there. Of course he didn’t think that Jesse was a girl, or stupid, but he wasn’t sure it was the right time to refute those things. “But, I…I’m going to do my best to help you. I know I can’t go back and be your dad for the past twelve years, but…”

“You’re here now,” mumbled Jesse.

He smiled. Alright, maybe he sounded like a broken record. But if that meant Jesse knew he was there for him, he was more than okay with that. “Yeah. I am.”

Tears trickled down Jesse’s face, but he didn’t try to stop them, just stared at the cable box blinking the seconds at them.

“Sorry for…” he trailed off, touching the bandages on his wrist.

“Nothing to apologize for.” He held Jesse close to him, rubbing his arm. “You were hurting, and tried to make it better. I can’t blame you for that.” Still–-he sighed, deeply, heart heavy. “But…do you think you could come to me first, next time?”

He didn’t say anything. Just sat there leaning against Gabriel, and then yawned, picking his head up the slightest bit just so he could drop it back down. That would have to be an answer. He was comforted enough to be tired, at least.

Gabe sat back, letting his head rest on the back of the couch. Jesse was probably going to fall asleep on him, but…that was fine. He’d slept on worse things.

He’d be there as long as Jesse needed him to be.


	16. Chapter 16

Gabriel stood in his room, staring at the clothes laid out on his bed, and frowned deeply.

This was pointless.

Jack couldn’t  _see_.

He groaned, and sat down on the pile, mindless of the slacks he may or may not be wrinkling in the process, running his hands over his face. Of course it wasn’t really about Jack, it was just nerves-–he hadn’t been out on a date in…well, at least three years, now, probably more. He was at that awful cross-section of really not wanting to mess this up, while simultaneously having no idea how to do it right. Or wrong, for that matter. It was Jack, what was going to happen?

But it was  _Jack_. What if something  _did_  happen?

“Christ…”

He stood up, and put away some of the more formal options. He needed someone to talk to, to get him out of his own head and tell him…just tell him anything, as long as he didn’t hear it from himself. The issue was, usually that person was Jack, and…

Well.

On second thought, why not Jack? Wasn’t he the best equipped to assuage his worries about this? Sure, it kind of felt like the absolute last thing he wanted to do–-but so had asking him out in the first place. Sometimes, somehow, that meant it was the best option.

He pulled out his phone and called him.

It barely had time to ring before Jack picked up.

“Gabe?”

He sounded worried, and Gabriel laughed in what was hopefully a reassuring manner. “Hey,” he went. Jack–-didn’t respond, and it was only then that Gabe realized the voice he’d used, the gentle breath of affection he’d been holding on to for…a while. He flushed. Maybe it wasn’t time for that yet. “Uh…Jack?”

“Yeah,” said Jack, flatly. “Yeah–-uh. Sorry. Wow.”

His laugh grew a little more nervous. “Too much?”

“It’s a lot,” agreed Jack. “But it’s…not too much. I think.”

“Okay.” He trusted Jack to tell him if that changed.

The line was silent for a moment. And then, “Did you need something?”

“Oh.” Right, he had called him for a reason, hadn’t he. “No. Well-–yes? I just…” He tried to find the words. He tried to think of a way to phrase it that would have the same effect as shrugging nonchalantly. “I’m just nervous, I guess.”

“I’d say that’s ridiculous, but so am I.”

Gabriel gave a relieved sigh, sitting back down on the bed. At least they were both on the same page here. “I’ve been worrying about what to wear for half an hour now.”

“You-–” Jack started, just that word conveying the sheer amount of disbelief he felt at the statement.

“I know!” It was Jack’s turn to laugh, then, and Gabriel couldn’t help but grin. “I could come in my pajamas, for all you would notice.”

“Well…” said Jack. And nothing else. Gabriel stared at the wall. Did he just…?

“…well?” he prompted, a smile creeping up on him.

Jack cleared his throat. “Nothing,” he said. “It’s just the first date, so.”

_Holy shit._  “So?” He grinned, widely. “If it wasn’t?”

“ _Nothing_ ,” he grumbled. “Forget I said anything.”

Gabriel could almost see him. He was probably red as a beet, hand over his face, wincing at himself. The thought stirred a bubble of affection in his chest, something that would usually drag along anxiety and wistfulness, but instead he remembered all over again that  _he was going on a date with Jack_  and it blossomed, warming him all over.

“Jack,” he purred, “Have you been thinking about me?”

There was some unidentifiable sound from Jack’s end, and then a muffled, hurried, “See you in a few.”

The call ended.

Gabriel couldn’t stop smiling for the next half hour.

* * *

Usually he’d just wait in the driveway, but this was a special occasion. He went up to Jack’s door and knocked. He can’t have waited there more than a minute, but it felt like forever before Jack appeared, Bastion at his side.

Bastion. The sight of her made Gabe smile. If this were any other dinner, Jack would almost certainly be fine with just his cane-–but he tended to bring the dog along when his nerves needed calming.

“You look nice,” Gabriel said, easily. Jack was in a dark blue button-down and black jeans that fit a little tighter than his usual style. His hair was even tamed.

“Thanks,” he said, following Gabriel to his car. He let Gabe hold the door open for him, for once, Bastion jumping up into the floor. Gabe went around to the other side.

“How’re you feeling?” he asked, starting the ignition. Jack actually gave it some thought, which was a rarity.

“Still nervous,” he answered, smiling uncertainly. “You?”

He thought about it.

“Yeah,” he said. “Still nervous.”

* * *

He thought he’d gotten over the stares and second glances, but there was something about being with Jack–-about being on  _a date with Jack_ , who had only just recently felt comfortable coming out to him–-that made him worried about something going awry. His palms were clammy as he claimed their reservation, two visibly male people very obviously on a date. His heart skipped when the waitress first came to greet them. But the host said nothing, and the waitress’s customer service smile didn’t falter. Everything was fine–-everything was going to be fine.

He sighed when they were finally left alone with the menus, opening up one of them to read it over while Jack’s sat uselessly at his end of the table.

“Regretting your decision already?”

Gabe huffed, a smile pulling at his face.

“No,” he said. “I’m just waiting for someone to realize we’re on a date and chase us out with pitchforks.”

Jack laughed. Thankfully. “Believe it or not, Gabriel Reyes is not the center of any of these people’s universes.”

He was always surprised that Jack knew exactly how to get him out of his head. “Their loss.” He flipped over the menu. “What’s your dish of choice tonight? Salmon?”

Jack’s foot nudged against his, and then he hooked their ankles together, dragging Gabriel’s foot a few spare inches closer. He would have been embarrassed at how easily he flushed at the action if he hadn’t been busy reveling in it.

“You know me so well.”

* * *

It was fine. Of course it was fine, it was dinner with his best friend in the entire world, the man who knew him better than anyone, and the first night he’d spent with him in recent memory where he didn’t have something unspoken weighing on his mind. The first night where he could give in to the urge to flirt with Jack and  _have him flirt right back_. Affection warmed him all the way through to the tips of his fingers, and he had reason to believe Jack was feeling similarly.

He wanted so much, and for once there was the possibility he might have it.

It was terrifying. But he was too happy to care.

He pulled into Jack’s driveway, their conversation habitually fading as they approached their destination. Gabe kind of wished it hadn’t. He wasn’t entirely ready for the night to end, not certain yet whether Jack would want this to happen again.

Jack stepped out of the car, Bastion jumping out after him, and Gabriel was about to wish him goodnight when he turned back around, placing his hand on the roof.

“Do you want to come inside?”

Gabriel turned the car off immediately, which was enough of an answer. Jack grinned.

He thought about making another joke about this being  _just their first date, after all_ , but stepping inside Jack’s house quieted all thoughts of teasing. This wasn’t the safe, unfamiliar restaurant anymore, with its fancy tablecloths and candles on the table. This was Jack’s house. Jack, his best friend, and someone he was going to have to work with on Monday.

This was his real life, with real life consequences for making comfortable relationships really awkward.

He ran a hand over his beard as Jack took Bastion’s vest off, rubbing her face before letting her go find her favorite spot on the couch to lay down on.

“So,” Gabe started, wishing he had his hoodie so he could bury his hands in its pockets. “Did you have fun?”

Jack laughed, which was almost enough to calm his nerves.

“Yeah,” he said, stepping back over. “Yeah, I–-I think we should do this again sometime.”

Gabe sighed, at least partially from relief. “Yeah,” he agreed, softly.

Jack frowned, head quirking to the side in question. “You sound…”

He trailed off, searching. Then, with a shake of his head, “I don’t know. What’s up?”

“I’m fine,” Gabe assured him, voice steady. He was. “I just…”

What was bothering him? The date was a success. Jack wanted to go on another, everything was fine, it was…

Too good to be true.

“Why?” he asked. “Why did you say yes? I’m glad you did, but…I doubt you’ve been secretly harboring feelings for me all these years.”

Jack grimaced, tilting his head in concession as a flush spread across his cheeks. “I won’t say I haven’t thought about it,” he admitted. Gabe’s eyebrows shot up, and Jack waved a hand in dismissal, despite not having seen his expression. “I know, I know,” he said. “It’s been difficult, okay? Between going blind and coming to terms with…you know.” Gabe’s heart felt sore at his hesitance. He couldn’t even bring himself to say the words yet. “It’s hard to…figure things out.”

All that to say  _romance is difficult_. Yeah, he couldn’t find any fault in that.

“But.” He reached out, his hand finding Gabriel’s shoulder. His mouth pressed into a thin line.

“But?”

He turned to the floor, face flushing a deeper shade. “When I think about my future, you’re in it,” he muttered. “As long as…as long as that stays true, the details are…aren’t important.”

He pulled his hand back, crossing his arms. That was enough emotional vulnerability for one day, apparently.

“I see,” said Gabriel. He frowned. It wasn’t  _upsetting_ , it just…well, he didn’t really know how he felt about it just yet. “So you couldn’t care less whether or not we’re in a relationship.” He didn’t mean for it to come out so accusatory, but there wasn’t much other way to say it.

“When you put it that way…”

“Put it some other way for me.”

“Yeah,” went Jack. He stood there for another moment, brows drawn together in thought. “It’s not some…self-sacrificing bullshit, I just honestly…” he shrugged, arms still tucked together. “I really enjoyed tonight. It’s the happiest…well, you’ve just been better recently, but the idea that  _I_  could somehow be the cause of that is…”

He huffed, covering his face (deeply reddening, now) with a hand. “It’s nice,” he mumbled. “Can we please stop talking about this.”

Gabe smirked, Jack’s honesty doing at least something to quell his anxiety. He couldn’t say he understood entirely what he meant, but. Jack was going out with him and seemed to be enjoying himself. Maybe he should just let himself be happy with that. No need to look the gift horse in the mouth just yet.

“Alright,” he said, reaching out to place a hand on Jack’s face. He was going for a friendly, almost condescending pat, at first, but found that his hand stayed, thumb tracing along Jack's cheekbone.

It felt wrong, somehow. Not  _bad_ , so far from that in any way, but premature. Like opening presents the week before Christmas. He hadn’t earned this. There had to be some catch.

Jack tilted his head into Gabriel’s hand, and he let out the breath he’d been holding, expression melting into a smile.

“Jack,” he said, before he could stop himself.

“Hm…?”

“Are we…” god, there weren’t a whole lot of good ways to say this. “I mean–-is ‘boyfriend’ an…accurate word?” He couldn’t help but clarify in the brief pause that followed; “It’s fine if it’s not, I just–-”

“Yeah, yeah,” went Jack, grinning. He took Gabriel’s hand off his face, instead holding it in his own. “Can I have a few more dates to think about it?”

Somehow, he couldn’t find it in him to be upset about that. “I think I can give you that much.” He looked down at their hands, Jack’s warm and rough. “Um…”

Jack raised an eyebrow at him. Gabe huffed, amused and a little frustrated with himself. He shouldn’t have been-–this would have been awkward for anyone–-but that didn’t stop him from wishing it was easier.

“Same caveat, but…can I kiss you?”

Jack’s other eyebrow went up.

“That’s bold of you.”

“Guess I learned you don’t get things by not asking for them.”

“That you don’t.”

“Well…” he shrugged, pulling his hand back. “It’s getting late-–”

“Gabe,” said Jack, not relinquishing the hand, that grin back again. “You should probably let me answer.”

Gabriel froze. His heart may have skipped a beat. Or two. “I…thought that was a ‘no.’ “

“Do you want it to be a no?”

“No!”

“Then get over here.”

“I…really?”

Jack rolled his eyes and pulled him closer. Urged him closer. Not insistent, but-–it was obvious enough what he wanted.

Even if it kind of felt like a dream.

Gabriel stepped over, well into the boundaries of personal space, and Jack’s hands found their way to his jawline. His hands were cold.

Or maybe Gabe’s face was just warm.

“You should probably-–” Jack started.

“Yeah,” went Gabriel. “Give me…a second.”

Jack smirked, but held his tongue for once in his life, swallowing whatever snide comment he was about to make. He closed his eyes (and there was a question there–-but it could wait until later), hands shifting, just slightly.

Gabriel took a breath.

It didn’t help.

So he leaned forward and kissed him.

It wasn’t hesitant, exactly, just brief, with all the duration of a nightly farewell. He wanted it to be more. But, again–-opening presents before Christmas. They could do this again. He could wait until-–

“Was that it?”

_Oh, fuck._

“It–-doesn’t have to be.”

“Hm.”

Jack leaned forward, slowly, until their noses brushed, and stopped there. Gabriel’s heart thudded against his chest. “Are you holding back for my sake?”

“I…yeah. Not because…” how could he say this. He didn’t want Jack to think Gabriel was worried about his  _experience_  or anything, he just-–“I don’t know where our boundaries are yet. Seemed like a good idea to start out slow.”

“Gabe.”

The nickname he’d heard a million times sounded entirely different with Jack’s mouth inches from his own.

“Yeah?”

“I’ll tell you ‘when.’ ”

And Jack closed those inches between them, even as he let go of Gabriel’s face, sharing some of that same uncertainty, as if Gabriel was going to pull away.

He did not. God, he did not. He put a hand on Jack’s neck and the other on his waist, wrapping around to his back when Jack pressed closer. It’d been too long, too fucking long since he’d been this close to another human, pressed up against them head to toe. And this wasn’t just another human. This was Jack.

They pulled apart once, twice, three times, a quick unspoken is-this-still-okay, let-me-catch-my-breath before they were drawn together again, and again, until they stood there, just close enough, sharing each other’s air. Jack’s face was red. Gabriel’s was probably still warm under his hand.

“The beard,” said Jack, after a moment.

“Yeah?”

“I like it.”

“Well. Good. 'Cause it’s not going anywhere.”

Jack laughed, and Gabriel couldn’t help but smile at the sound.

“Would you shave it if I asked you to?”

Gabe huffed, more amused than anything. “No.”

Jack grinned, before leaning in for one more kiss–-slow, and easy, with all the knowledge that they had all the time in the world. If not tonight, then the next. If not then, then some day.

“Jack,” Gabriel muttered. “As much as I’d like to stay…”

“Right. Kids at home.” He stepped back, trailing a hand down to find Gabriel’s and lace their fingers together. “We can pick this up later.”

“Yeah.” He wondered about the possibility of one last kiss goodnight, but-–if they kept that up, he might never leave. “Uh…goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Gabe.”

He let go, and headed towards the front door.

“Tell Jesse I said thanks.”

Gabriel huffed, pausing in the doorway. “I’ll do that.”

He was never going to hear the end of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final update is gonna be pretty short!


	17. Chapter 17

It was a testament to how well Jesse had been doing that Gabriel noticed anything was wrong in the first place. He didn’t start acting out, he was doing as well as he ever did in school–-better, even, in some aspects. He was spending a lot of time in his room. He was just, overall…quieter.

Some small part of Gabriel wondered if he should be thankful. But the rest of him was worried, and frankly a little unnerved. He thought he had been seeing a happier Jesse, underneath the doom and gloom, but suddenly that was all gone.

He didn’t know what to do with it. Should he poke? Should he leave him alone? Either one had the potential to help. Either one could make it worse.

But, his indecisiveness had defaulted him to 'do nothing,’ and that hadn’t been effective so far. So maybe it was time for a change in tactics.

He found Jesse ‘studying.’ That is, laying on the couch, staring at the television, book held in his hands as if he had just looked away for a second and would return to reading any moment now.

It had been a little more than a moment.

“Hey, Jesse,” he said with a careful nonchalance, sitting down on the edge of the couch. Jesse moved his feet out of the way, a gesture that could have been mistaken for politeness if that weren’t the only acknowledgement he’d made of Gabriel’s presence.

Gabe looked at the television. It was less than engaging.

“So,” he started, glancing at Jesse out of the corner of his eye. “Have you thought about whether you want to go on hormones when you're older?”

Jesse still didn’t look at him. He frowned, just slightly, his eyebrows coming together and mouth tightening into almost a pout. “Mmn,” he went.

“Do you need more time to think about it? Or do you just not have strong feelings on the subject?”

“ _Mmph_ ,” was his answer, kicking a foot out to collide with Gabriel’s leg. Gabe frowned, just slightly. He wasn’t going to mask his disapproval, but he wasn’t exactly mad about it.

“Okay.” It was obvious enough Jesse didn’t want him there, on some level. “I get it. But I’m worried about you. You’ve been distant lately. If that’s what you need right now, that’s fine with me. I just hope you know I’m here if you need anything. Even if it’s just someone to talk to.” He shifted his leg, nudging against Jesse’s foot. “Even if you need me to find someone  _else_  for you to talk to.”

He didn’t react. Much. But the moisture in his eyes gave him away, and soon enough he turned all at once to hide against the back of the couch, hands pressing against his face and shoulders trembling with suppressed, choked sobs.

Gabriel silently sat back, making himself comfortable. Jesse hadn’t been so adamant about not crying in front of him for some time. So he was right-–something had changed.

Jesse muttered something, but it was muffled.

“Hm…?”

A half-formed sob escaped him, a whimper of misery and frustration as he turned his head towards Gabe, peeking out but staring straight ahead. “When are you going to s-send me  _back_.”

“Back?” he said, gaping. Is that what this was all about? “Back to…the group home?”

Jesse nodded, sniffling now and wiping at his face, scowling like he was irritated.

“Never,” was the answer, absolute and certain. “Never, Jesse, unless you decide that’s what you want.”

Jesse’s scowl turned softer, and he nodded, pressing his hands to his eyes as the tears started falling freely. “I j-just…” He sat up, legs curled awkwardly against the back of the couch, breath coming in shuddering bursts. “Everyone…e-everyone always…”

Gabriel held an arm out to him, offering, and Jesse fell against his side, giving up on talking for the moment. Gabriel held him close, running a hand along his back. “It’s alright,” he murmured. “It’s alright. You’re here to stay, okay?”

Jesse nodded, miserably. “I just,” he tried again, “I…I know I’m h-hard to deal w-with I’m trying-–” he sobbed, pressing his sleeve to his face. His voice turned high-pitched and strained. “I’m trying to be better but it’s h- _hard_.”

“No…Jesse…” Gabriel said, sitting back and placing a hand on his face. He resisted to urge to turn Jesse to face him, knowing that eye contact meant two very different things to the two of them. “I love having you around. I wouldn’t give you up for anything in the world. And I want you to get better, but that’s only because I want you to be happy. And I’m going to do everything I can to help you get there.” He ruffled Jesse’s hair, affectionately. “Okay?”

Jesse sat there, staring blankly at the back of the couch, blinking away tears. Then he scooched over and got comfortable against Gabriel’s side, sniffling weakly.

Gabe wrapped an arm around him, and rested his head on Jesse’s. “You’re a good kid,” he said, wishing there was some way to make Jesse believe him. For now, he’d just have to say it until it stuck. “You’re a good  _son_.”

This was the key to the floodgates. Jesse’s expression contorted, and he buried his face, and a hand, in Gabriel’s hoodie, bawling out everything he’d been building up over the past few weeks. He shook under Gabriel’s steady arm until there weren’t any more tears left and his breathing came easier.

He sat up, wiping at his face, reaching over to grab a handful of tissues off the coffee table, turning to sit on the couch as it was intended to be used.

“You’re…you’re a good dad,” he mumbled through his sniffles.

Gabriel placed a hand over his heart as it swelled with a sort of sad affection, possibly the only instance in his life the gesture was due to a genuine emotion as opposed to a theatrical over-reaction.

“Thank you, Jesse,” he said, trying and failing to convey the entirety of what he was feeling. “That means a lot to me.”

Jesse shrugged, dropping a wad of tissues on the table. He grabbed another one only to fidget with it.

“I…” he started, turning his feet inwards. “I…dunno about hormones, yet.”

“Okay,” Gabriel said, easily. “You don’t have to know. This decision is for you, not me, so take as long as you need.”

Jesse nodded, staring at the floor. “Okay.”

Gabriel placed a hand on his shoulder, giving him a gentle shake. “I’ll be here for you when the time comes.”

He stilled, residue from the tissue drifting to the floor. “…yeah,” he said.

A smile finally found its way to his face, even under red, puffy eyes.

“Okay.”


End file.
